Everyone Knows Virgos Are Rapists. But Why?

I was at a bar last week, and I met a guy. He was very handsome. He had perfect hair and heterochromatic blue/brown eyes and a little scar from where his cleft lip had been repaired and one functional short leg that dangled high off the bar stool and terminated in one giant orthopedic shoe. The other shoe was normal, polished, and attached to a very handsome normal leg. In front of him was a glass, half full of something domestic. I know it was domestic because that’s all they serve at that bar. I made my way over to him and opened with my usual.

“I’m divorced.”

“What.”

“I mean I’m available,” I said, extending my hand. “My name’s Nicole.”

“Elmer,” he said.

“Well Elmer, what’s your sign?”

He smiled a bit. I could tell he wasn’t sure if I was serious. That’s what most men do when you ask them about astrology. They’ll play along, but you can tell from their initial reticence that they don’t believe in any of that “gay planet bullshit.” Science is for nerds and women, they think. You have to give them a second or two to realize your question was in earnest. Then they play along. They always do.

“Virgo,” he said. I stood up and walked back over to my side of the bar, leaving Elmer to dangle there alone like his big goofy shoe. Virgo is an immediate deal breaker for me.

All women know astrology is real. We understand the power of the planets and the stars. It’s because our bodies retain more water and our periods sync up with the moon. We can feel the astral energy. It makes us keenly aware of the fact that our personalities and actions are based on, derived from, and excused by the planets and our birthdays.

And everyone knows that Virgos are usually rapists. But why?

What is it about late August and early September that turns what could have been a calm and thoughtful Libra or an aggressive and power hungry Leo into a rapist Virgo? Is it gravity? Is it Jupiter’s pleasure moon influence on the astral chakras? Is it their sun-sign coming into the house of passion before Mercury finishes delivering its dating advice for Sagittarius? What is the factual basis behind the 100% undeniable reality that all Virgos are rapists?

According to Zodiac-Signs-Astrology.com, a reputable source of information on astrology, Virgos are often analytical and observant, which are the two key skills involved in hunting down and raping their targets. It’s part of their star-sign house of moon dancing profile, they say. When Mars enters its third phase of retrograde motion, distinct changes occur in the way a Virgo’s mind perceives consent. Similar to werewolves, which are also real, Virgos are affected by this Moon-pleasure, and they’re literally incapable of not raping people or controlling their own actions or thoughts. It’s a real effect of Jupiter’s star-house on human behavior.

This is also what makes Virgos so fiercely independent. In the same way that literally every single Aries is good with money, all Virgos are independent people who live by their own rules – and one of those rules happens to be that it’s okay to rape. Obtaining sexual consent for Virgos is a lot like calling your parents for Scorpios. They just can’t do it, and honestly, you can’t really blame them for it. It goes against everything the moon has programmed them to think and feel.

Yes it seems like the only thing that can counter the rapeyness of Virgos is the undying dedication to justice seen in Cancers. Through their diligent work in bringing awareness to the crimes of the Virgos, the universe maintains its balance, and science prevails. Stay safe out there everyone. We can’t control our actions, that’s up to the planets, but we can certainly avoid people who were born in September.