7 Great Business Ideas That Are Actually Crimes

Currently, thanks to my firebrand journalism, I am embroiled in several defamation lawsuits and I’ve been temporarily suspended from my job at the school due to an “unlawful sexual episode” with one of the students. Luckily the police weren’t involved, the boy’s family wants to keep it quiet, but they’re also demanding I return all of the semen I collected, which I find unfair because it’s stored in my soda bottles and they can have the cum back but I want to keep the bottles for future art projects.

The suspension is bullshit because there was nothing sexual about jacking that boy off to collect his semen. We were doing an art project in class, and I thought it would be fun to show the students how you can sell semen online to overseas businessmen. I was teaching them a lesson, and making a little bit of money for myself in the process, but according to school administrators it’s still against the law to masturbate a student even if the motivations behind it are devoid of sexual impulse. Tell me, school, if that’s the case, why the fuck are doctors allowed to stick their fingers in people’s anuses and take naked pictures of women’s breasts and charge money for it? Oh because it makes them healthier? It makes them feel good? Jacking them off makes people feel good, too. I’ve got a feeling that if I had just told the school administrators that we were doing doctor stuff, they would have deferred and left me to my studies.

Needless to say, like most millennials, I’m hard up for cash. Lack of job security is one of the worst and best parts about being a millennial. The job market is scary, but it forces us to become entrepreneurs. It demands that we explore our creativity and figure out how to bootstrap ourselves and make some god damn money the way people used to. The problem is that most of the smart ways to make money, like selling disabled children’s cum to German investors, are actually crimes.

So future entrepreneurs, before you’re finished before you’ve even started, here’s a list of great business ideas that are actually crimes.

Getting A Bunch Of People To Invest In A Company You’ve Invested In

When I saw Wolf of Wall street, I knew for about an hour and a half after I left the theater that I wanted to be rich. I wanted to have a boat and I wanted to do drugs on the boat and I wanted to have a bunch of fancy parties. Then, I went out to dinner and I knew it was my destiny to become a professional chef. My memory of the movie faded. I couldn’t remember why they arrested Leo, I assumed it had to do with all the drugs. I started reading about investing, and I thought, hey, why not just invest in smaller companies and then talk up the companies all over the internet until the price of the stock rises and then dump my stock once I can turn a profit?

Think about it – its genius. Not only do I make money, but other people lose money, and on top of that, it’s bad for the underlying asset as well. My win costs the market more than I even make for myself. That’s a good ass business. Well, turns out it’s illegal.

MMA For Pets

I was watching UFC at a boyfriend’s house one time and I started thinking about the Air Bud movies and for an hour or two I was really excited because I thought I was about to change sports entertainment forever. Well, turns out dogfighting is completely illegal.

Making Use Of Your Car Insurance

The average driver files a collision claim about once every 18 years. On average, the average liability claim is about $3000. For drivers under 24, the average yearly premium is roughly $3000. That means that you only actually “use” what you pay into your car insurance once every 17 years. Here’s what the insurance companies don’t tell you though: you can actually “pretend” to hit your friends car, doing light damage to each vehicle, and then file a claim with your insurance, splitting the money for the coverage between you and your friend. I was already halfway explaining this to a relative recently before they informed me that this is extremely illegal. Well, back to the drawing board.

Investing in Investing Itself

You get a bunch of people, tell them that you’re starting an investment fund, but you structure it like a betting pool with a significant rake. You collect money from ten people or so and keep 50% of the money for yourself, then, over time, you slowly add more and more people to the investment pool, and their investments act as dividends for yourself and the original 10 investors to keep them happy, as well as refilling the 50% you took for yourself. As you add more and more investors, you stop paying the older ones dividends and stop inflating the value in the fund, encouraging them to get out. Unless all the investors pull their money at once you’ll always have enough to return the principle and then some. You keep the whole thing going as a revolving door. It’s foolproof, sort of. Unless, like, the government finds out and then you’re fucked.

Returned Product Arbitrage

Often businesses sell products for different prices. Walmart, for example, has a no questions asked return policy, so if you find things cheaper at other stores, you can return them at Walmart for a profit. Another way to take advantage of this is returning tickets at the movie theater. You purchase a ticket, go hang out near the entrance to the theater, and then tell people passing by that you lost your stub and you need to run to the car real quick, ask them if you can have theirs. Get two or three of them, and then go back to the ticket counter before the movie starts. Tell them that your wife stormed out with your kids and you have to leave, and that you’ll need to refund the four tickets you didn’t purchase, hand them the stubs, and there you go, you just made sixty dollars. You can literally do this every day to buy alcohol. The problem is it’s illegal.

Printing Your Own Money

Money doesn’t grow on trees, but what if it did? Well, that tree would go to jail for being a shrewd business man. Don’t try it.

Saving Money By Taking Things

One of the biggest problems with shopping is that sometimes you don’t have enough money to buy the things you like. The best solution to this is to make more money, but what if you can’t? Well, sometimes I like to just put things in my pocket and walk out of the store, that way I save the money I have for other things that I want to buy. But that’s illegal.