The New Facebook Messenger Records Your Children As They Sleep

As a mom, I love being afraid. I love to inspect warning labels and worry about my children being killed by products or the knockout game. At any moment, my precious little baby boy could choke on a poorly designed app or find himself in a state of anaphylactic shock after witnessing an advertisement containing peanuts. As you read this, he could be killed by Africanized bees or die while waiting in line for an organ. He could be bullied, both in the physical realm and in the cyber domain, and it’s my duty as a mother to live in a constant state of fear to protect him from a world designed to kill American children.

That being said, it is with great alarm and hysteria that I warn you about the new Facebook messenger app. It’s the latest thing I’m terrified of, and you should be worried about it as well.

Facebook has essentially designed an app that can spy on you to the same degree as the federal government and with the same level of malice as those Russian hackers that stole everyone’s passwords.

Why would Facebook intentionally create an app to spy on its customers that already provide the company with way too much information anyways? Who knows? I doubt you can sell illegal access to someone’s cell phone camera to advertisers. I’m assuming Facebook is just doing it because companies are inherently evil and because I’ve never read a ToS before.

If you examine the Terms of Service, you’ll notice that the app allows itself to read all of your messages and access your contacts. It grants itself the ability to make calls on your behalf, record phone calls, and access your camera with or without your permission. Some have gone as far as calling the app “insidious.” Luckily for Facebook, I don’t know what that word means, but if I did I would call it that as well.

Let’s get carried away for a second; just why exactly would Facebook request access to your camera? Would they be doing it in the even that you initiate a video call and want to chat with a friend? Possibly. But it could also be that the employees of Facebook are all secretly pedophiles, and they’re sitting around waiting for you to accidentally point your camera at your nude infant so they can save the pictures and jack off to them.

And why would they want access to your contacts? Possibly so they could sync your phone contacts with the messenger app; but perhaps it’s something much worse. Maybe they want access to your contacts so they can call all of your friends and spread rumors about how you’re a bad mother. Maybe they want Diane’s number so they can call her and let her know that you buy knockoff Oshkosh in Chinatown and that your son’s been wearing Dollar General brand diapers. Maybe it’s just a way to let everyone know that you’re poor and a bad mom.

Just what the hell are you doing with all of our private information Facebook? Why are you trying to jack off to pictures of my son while he’s sleeping? I didn’t sign up for your website so that people could know about my life.