So Jews Get Birthright To Israel But White Girls Have To Pay To Go To Spring Break?

So, I’ve been reading a lot about what’s going on in #israel and #palestine this week because I like to be smart and know about the news. It seems like everyone has some brainiac solution for the problem, yet these goofballs keep killing each other. It’s almost as if they love fighting, and peace at this point would be unnatural. Maybe incessant conflict and an atmosphere of death /is/ the solution. Even if the current situation calms, and peace is found, we know God damn well that it’s only a matter of time before there’s trouble again.

“That’s stupid,” I said to myself. “Why the hell would you keep fighting for 50 years? Obviously you both suck shit at war.” At this point, really, it’s like watching two women embarrass themselves in a cat fight on World Star. You don’t really feel bad for either party so much as you wish they had enough self-respect to prevent all of us from become voyeurs, complicit in their desperate back and forth.

Anyhow, in my studies, I found out about this fucking thing called birthright and I have to be honest with you guys – I’m freaking pissed.

Apparently you don’t even need to be Israeli to get a free trip to Israel. You only have to be Jewish, and in some cases, even that’s not a requirement. You just have to fill out a form that says you don’t care what Woody Allen did and that he’s a national treasure, and the Israeli tax payers will foot the bill for an all-expenses paid trip to Israel. Something like that. I think that’s how it works.

You might think that these trips focus on the culture and history of the Jewish people, and emphasize the importance of embracing a Jewish identity. You might think that they serve an educational and cultural purpose, and you’d probably be right. But all that seems like lip service to me – especially considering that if you search Google for pictures of birthright trips, everyone in the photos seem like they’re having a good time. What the fuck is that? Learning is never supposed to be a good time.

If there’s one thing I learned in school – it’s that educating and culturing myself is just a euphemism for wasting time that I could be getting fucked up and enjoying my life. If birthright was educational, there wouldn’t be any pictures of the trips. Think about it – that’s why they don’t allow photography in museums; it’s because people would see motherfuckers learning shit, reading placards and what not, and not enjoying themselves, and word might get out that museums are fucking boring.

Now, I’m not opposed to the idea of a free trip to go party in Israel. Hell, why the fuck not? If it’s free, enjoy it. What I’m saying is this: how come there’s no free birthright trip to Ocean City for white girls? Aren’t we entitled to spring break just as much as Jews are entitled to the Israel?

Granted, getting in your ex-boyfriend’s Wrangler and splitting a house between 9 people doesn’t cost that much, and it’s something you should probably be able to cover on your own, but there’s still the logistics of getting out there, and the fact that on principle, it should be free. There’s been several years now where I’ve even had the money to go, and for whatever reason, I’m unable to.

I remember the first time it happened. It was the early naughts. 9/11 wasn’t funny yet. It was a week out from Spring Break, and I had neglected to secure a beach house with my bitches far enough in advance. We were one week away from what is realistically the closest thing to a spiritual trek for white women, and we had to come to terms with the reality that we would not have a guaranteed place to stay in Ocean City. We would have to drive there and hope that we could fuck for a place to stay all week. Luckily, I was right.

But situations like that could easily be prevented if we just recognized that white girls are just as much of a unique people as the Jews. White girls have every right to Ocean City – most of us were conceived there by our white chick mothers and our bro fathers. It’s about as close to a Holy Land as we can get.

I propose some sort of state-sponsored subsidized spring break package that’s just for white women that can prove their heritage with a BAC test and HPV positive pap-smear results. We’d be provided with a bus ride to and from Ocean City, no cover at Seacrets, and a week’s supply of some kind of plastic bottle vodka. Maybe Nikolai or Popov. Also, a beach house.

I’m not asking for much here, just a chance to explore my heritage and do it without having to learn anything. I’m just asking to be treated like a human being.