Scientists Say Eating My Pussy And Letting Me Borrow Your Car May Prevent Cancer
“What? No,” said a researcher. Another refused to speak to us. Probably because the information is so groundbreaking that they’ve become speechless.
Presumably using some kind of science tool like a microscope or one of those long glass tubes, scientists at the Yale School of Science at Harvard University have unearthed what might be the greatest discovery in the history of the I Fucking Love Science Facebook page.
In a complex and complicated study that would be too boring and vague to show readers directly, there’s a tiny piece of information we can misinterpret and distort, and that bit of misinformation indicates that a cure for cancer may be on the way.
According to scientists sort of, depending on your definition of “according to,” It turns out that if this guy Doug I’m seeing eats my pussy and lets me borrow his car, his chances of developing prostate cancer will decrease significantly.
“What? No,” said a researcher. Another refused to speak to us. Probably because the information is so groundbreaking that they’ve become speechless.
“That’s not really what the data means at all, but [wait just kidding, that’s exactly what the data means],” said one scientist. “We found that in some cases, cancer-prone individuals [like your boyfriend Doug] are more resistant to cancer when [they eat your pussy or let you borrow their Sebring this weekend to go to Ocean City] by limiting exposure to fluorocarbons.”
When notified of the results of the study, the group most affected by it (my boyfriend Doug, who owns a convertible Sebring and refuses to eat my pussy for some reason) reacted with shock and anger.
“First of all, I’m not your boyfriend,” said Doug – a man who will most likely get cancer, according to science. “And no, you can’t borrow my car. You don’t have a license and even if you did, you openly expressed your desire to drive drunk,” he continued, exhibiting the first stage of grief, denial, after learning of his probable upcoming cancer.
The beauty of this miraculous revelation is that it’s so incredibly easy to implement. All you have to do is accept the fact that grown women have pubes and their own distinct smell, eat my pussy, and let me borrow your fucking Sebring to go to Ocean City. I’m not asking to be written into your will, I just want to do the wet t-shirt contest at Seacrets and maybe, MAYBE, get some Molly. It’s always cheaper in OC and it’s better quality. Really, just give me the keys to your car and eat my damn pussy already. It’s super simple. Either that or get cancer.
It’s really impressive what they can do with science these days. But it’s even more impressive what what social media and clickbait bloggers can do with it. Unfortunately, like the benefits of smoking cessation, most people will simply ignore this study. And we were careful to use the word “may” throughout the entire piece so we can’t be held accountable for producing false or misleading content. 
