Will Smith Has Nothing To Worry About

Well, well, well. Will and Jada Smith have certainly got themselves into some hot water this week. It seems as if the Fresh Prince has left some “fresh prints” downtown at the Child Protective Services office. And Jada? More like Jadoff. As in she “j-ed off” to child pornography.

If you haven’t heard, the famous power couple is under investigation for endangering their daughter, Willow. Willow, who is named after her father but takes after her mother pussatorially, and at 13 is only slightly older than 8, was featured in some sexually suggestive pictures with a grown man.

And I have to be honest with you guys; I’m kind of torn on the issue. After I heard that they had produced borderline child pornography, I was initially disgusted, and I immediately set out to find the pictures online so I could download them and judge them myself.

Well, I found them – and they really aren’t that bad at all. You can’t see her breasts or genitals. You can’t see the guy’s dick, and they’re in black in white, which makes it art. There’s really nothing pornographic about these pictures at all. I don’t really know what to think – I mean, on one hand, I hate celebrities. But on the other hand, I hate the government. I don’t know who to side with here.

I mean really, just because the pictures aren’t particularly sexual, does that mean that we can risk making the assumption that the Smiths aren’t pedophiles that took these pictures to victimize their daughter? Can we really take that chance? I mean, sure, Will Smith says he’s not a pedophile, but honestly, we’re supposed to believe that a man who openly admits that playgrounds are where he, “…spends most of [his] days?”

On the flipside, the Department of Child Protective Services, or as I like to call it, the procrastinator’s abortion clinic, is a superfluous and sinister tool of a bloated and malignant government that commands about as much respect as the IRS or the Make-A-Wish foundation. These Keystone cowboys don’t give a shit about intention or a parent’s rights. They don’t give a shit about the kids, either. They only care about closing cases and looking good in quarterly reports. They’re the boy scouts that got molested.

I’ve had many a run-in with these fools. My son Mason is more than familiar with the shithead agents down at CPS, and I’ll let you in on a little secret, most of these guys are burned out vice boys that did too much blow and lost their brass. They spend their time cursing the red tape and lamenting the fact that they got bucked down to retard squad.

I’ve seen it a million times. They bust a couple of poker rooms and think they’re hot shit, get a little taste for the white lady, then five years later their wife’s left them and the only reason their service revolvers aren’t in their mouths is because they’ve already been taken away by the watch commander. It would only make sense that a scorned cop with a chip on his shoulder would try to take down a family as prestigious as the Smiths. He’s got something to prove, and he’ got nothing to lose. It’s a deadly goddamn combination.

Mason’s been taken away from me six or seven times now. At first, it was distressful and terrifying. Then it was just annoying, and now, I can use it to my advantage.

My son doesn’t know how to read, but he does know how to pick locks and navigate an evidence locker. He knows how to identify case files with my name on them, sneak out of the back of a state building, and use his disability to get a free bus ride back to our house. I think that’s what people mean when they call him “differently abled.” Really, he’s just a perfect little criminal and it’s one of the only things I love about him.

I don’t know if the Smiths have the ability or time to train Willow to do that, considering she’s a girl, and Mason’s been training for this kind of thing since he was in diapers – and to be fair, he’s still in diapers – but I’m not even sure that will be necessary. I doubt they’ll even knock on the Smiths’ door. Just hang tight, lay low, and wait till this all blows over. Those CPS boys will find someone else to harass as soon as the tabloids have had enough.