Can Gays Consciously Couple?

As many of you know, Gwyneth Paltrow recently made the conscious decision to consciously uncouple from her conscious couple-partner and co-parent Chris Martin.

Citing not only their mutual, conscious, and supremely enlightened decision to separate, Paltrow blames evolution, cavemen, and the fact that she’s not an insect as the reason for her relationship’s demise.

While at first glance, this may seem like just another celebrity divorce glazed over with pretension and defensiveness, don’t be fooled. Gwyneth did a lot of research and ultimately came to the conclusion that instead of her marriage being a failure, it’s actually a success. Why? Because cavemen and bugs, that’s why.

I think evolutionary biology is fascinating, and Paltrow only begins to scratch the surface of the troublesome and unnatural foundation of lifetime pair bonding between humans. As she astutely observes, early humans had an average life span of about 33 years, which means that their marriages in turn, were only supposed to last for at most, a quarter of modern human’s lifetime.

There are other factors she only hinted at as well. Considering that in the Paleolithic era, everyone was already on the Paleo diet, there was much less stress placed on conscious couples to determine what kind of macrobiotic food they should be consuming. When huge decisions like that are taken out of the equation, people live much simpler lives where they can concentrate on real problems, like what kind of healing crystals combat ennui, and what’s the best way to align your Prius’ chakras.
Delving further into it, she forgets to mention that cavemen also required successful pair bonds to protect themselves from dinosaurs, and these relationships were solidified by double dates with Barney and Betty to the Bowl-a-Rama.

Ultimately I was overwhelmingly enlightened by her insights into her non-divorce, but it made me question a lot of things we’re doing today. Considering that an uncoupling is the result of an imbalance in the feminine and masculine forces within each conscious individuals identity, it made me wonder, are gays capable of conscious coupling?

Keep in mind, I’m not talking about marriage. Marriage is just a trite agreement between unconscious mouth breathers who can’t begin to comprehend Gwyneth’s understanding of human interaction. Gays should definitely be allowed to marry, I’m just wondering if they are even capable of truly consciously coupling like Gwyneth laid out for us.

Take butterflies for example –- the gay insect. Butterflies evolved in such a way that the early stages of their lives were spent as hideous caterpillars, and it is not until they emerge from the cocoon, that is to say, they come out of the closet, that they truly begin to “spread their wings” and be fabulous. I think Paltrow would agree that this indicates that a butterfly is inured to an undying, irreparable psychological foundation of trauma. There isn’t a single problem in a butterfly’s life that isn’t a direct result of the years it spent as a caterpillar. Think about it. Gwyneth has.

Much like the butterfly, a gay person spent, and continues to spend, a significant portion of their life in a state of oppression and shame. Gwyneth teaches us through the power of blogging that there are no problems in relationships, only old problems that we cannot let go of. As gays are more likely to have had a troubling past, is it even possible that they would be able to separate their pre-cocoon scarring from their current butterfly mentality? Think about it. Gwyneth has.

Furthermore, think about gay cavemen. Considering that in early humans, the women would collect vegetables and then men would go out and hunt wooly mammoths, homosexual cavemen couples would be living off of a strict diet of red meat – often not cooked thoroughly, and filled with dangerous sabre teeth. It doesn’t take much science thinking to understand that this means that gay cavemen would have had even shorter lifespans than their heterosexual counterparts. Let’s pick a number at random and say it was age 25. If you’re only expected to live until 25 years, would you even have tried to find a “life” partner? Of course not, you would have spent your time in the cave-nightclubs, going to cave-raves, and patronizing the cave-arts. It’s a biological fact that homosexuals aren’t programmed to have relationships at all. Think about it. Gwyneth has.

As Paltrow would also point out, the masculine force inside all of us is responsible for not letting things go and causing problems. The feminine force is a force of healing and tranquility. When you have a relationship with two men, they’re incapable of summoning enough of that relationship fixing feminine power that only women have – like bugs. Thus, they are forcing themselves to conform to society’s adherence to the idea of monogamous relationships. Think about it. Gwyneth has.