8 Things Russians Do That Are Gayer Than Fucking Another Man

Russia. The Iron Closet. A country with a troubled past and a questionable future. With the Winter Olympics in full swing, most people are already aware of Russia’s gay-hating problem, but is Russia truly homophobic, or is it just projecting? Here’s a bunch of gay shit that Russian people do, while assuring us that they are a very not gay nation:

1. Watching Ballet

Russians love ballet. It’s true. It’s one of the few things they do enjoy, as most of them live in abject poverty, worrying about being sex trafficked or killed for having the wrong tattoo.

You might think that ballet, an activity that requires precise motor control and physical strength and balance would be a sport, but you would be wrong. It’s quite gay.

2. Drinking Vodka

I’ve met a lot of Russians that try to act like big tough guys because of their affinity for Vodka. What the fuck is this? Vodka is not a tough guy drink. In fact, there’s only two groups of people that love Vodka – insecure Russian men who can only assert their masculinity while drunk, and sorority girls. Real liquors don’t come in strawberry and fucking banana flavor. Drink some Bulleit and quit being a pussy, Russia.

3. Chess

Chess is like checkers but it’s harder and much more complex, which makes it stupid because who the fuck even wants to play checkers? Russians pride themselves on their chess skills, even though we figured out long ago that we could build a computer that would win and then we’d stop having to hang out with Russian nerds that wanted to play chess all the time.

But chess isn’t just a shitty game for people with social disorders, it’s also very gay. First of all, other than the horse, every single piece looks like a dick. Even then, I saw a video years ago of a man letting a horse fuck him in the ass, and ever since then, I’ve always seen horses as inherently gay animals. The queen is the most powerful piece, and the king can’t do anything for himself and needs to be protected like a sissy.

4. Wearing Turtlenecks

What are you a fucking art dealer? I know your country has bullshit weather and you need your neck to be warm, but grow a goddamn beard and stop walking around looking like an uncircumcised dick.

5. Communism

Russia fucked itself up almost a hundred years ago when they got tired of imperialism, killed their royals, and replaced the government with a bunch of idiots that think workers should run the country. Communism has a lot of faults, but it’s also the only gay form of government. Who wants to live in a society where everyone has to share everything and at the same time people are always keeping secrets? That sounds like a ladies bathroom. Gay.

6. This Thing

What the fuck is this? I get that it’s from a long time ago, but no other country built gay shit like this. Holy fuck, it looks like a bunch of Pride Parade floats crashed into Wonka’s factory in some kinda gay 9/11 and this was the wreckage.

7. Whatever The Fuck These Statues Are

I’m assuming these are supposed to be some sort of monument to the Bolsheviks but it could just be the Village People. Why are their shirts open? Isn’t Russia super fucking cold?

8. Yagli Gures

Okay, so this one is technically Turkish, but Turkey is just Russia’s Mexico. Yagli Gures is another name for grease wrestling. It’s one of the oldest sports in the entire world, and quite possibly, the gayest thing that anyone has ever done. While two men wrestling each other while covered in oil sounds gay enough as it is, it’s so much worse than that.

Out of respect for each other, the opponents must oil each other up before the match. Pouring ounces of olive oil over each other’s heads, the men then lather their bodies in some kind of totally-not-gay courting ceremony of warriors. This intimacy is repeated after the match as well, as younger competitors are required to kiss older opponents if they have defeated them. Yes, I said kiss them. They have to kiss them.

On top of that, the only thing you’re allowed to wear in official competitions is a type of special leather capri pants with a rope that runs along the inseam. What’s the rope for you ask? Well, it’s to assist the wrestlers in securing a submission because THE ONLY WAY TO WIN IS BY SHOVING YOUR HAND DOWN YOUR OPPONENTS PANTS.

Again, not technically Russian, but I’m gonna blame it on them anyway.