Nicole Mullen

But today is Memorial Day, and whether you’re a true patriot like some folks or just a regular patriot like myself, it’s important that we take the day to honor those that served this country, but differently than we honor them on Veteran’s Day.

Men. Ugh. Is there anything they won’t ruin with their penises? It seems like every day I’m reading about some new aspect of my life that I didn’t realize was destroyed by men.

Sure that depression-era cooter is held tight by a lifetime of conservative attitudes, but you’ll think twice when you can’t wash the smell of Werther’s Originals off your dick.

Since Swayze’s passing, there have been nine deaths related to biker shootouts at roadhouses.

Imagine if we could have pardoned him and subjected him to the mental torture of being a Shia LeBeouf type?

Sure what Tom Brady did is wrong, but we’re forgetting that literally every single professional football player rapes and murders women.

I know that Batman is for me, an adult, because they removed the humor and made it dark and brooding.

Zero Dark Thirty was almost 100% accurate.

See the world is literally filled with great but unknown female comedians, and the only reason you haven’t heard of them is because of sexism.

Criticism aside, there’s nothing juvenile about what she’s done now. It’s really, really incredible.

Women everywhere are going nuts for men who just let it all go, develop a beer gut from excessive alcohol consumption, and ultimately begin to resemble the man all women secretly want to fuck: their father.

But like literally everything that exists today, I’m worried time travel will be inherently problematic. It’ll be sexist. It’ll be racist. And it most certainly will be transphobic.

Good news Star Wars fans! The fourth may really be with us today! Take a look at the title crawl for the upcoming Force Awakens, leaked exclusively here on Thought Catalog!

“I just want to look at trains,” he says. “And not anything else. Please stop emailing me about things other than trains.

Parenthood is a burden, but it’s also an opportunity.

Why are we undervaluing the other planets? We let Pluto die, and no one said anything. Imagine if Pluto had been a white man. We’d still have 9 planets.

Where’s my GoFundMe page? Where’s my million dollars?

Sometimes it’s hard to get through your twenties when you know there’s at least another 30 years of mediocrity ahead of you.