Nico Lang

Did you know that, based on the word’s original definition, the satirical newspaper “The Onion” is a “travesty?”

1. Pretending they’re “into you” just to get you “into” bed.

Did you know that Hillary Clinton and Dame Judi Dench got slimed on Figure It Out, Nicolas Cage once appeared in Blue’s Clues and Skeeter was actually a member of the Illuminati?

Last week Stephen Colbert aired what might be their best segment ever, a full-box-of-tissues video that has the power to change the world.

“F– me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Teresa?”

25. Men often say that they like the natural look on a woman, but they’re dirty f*cking liars.

1. Man attempts to siphon gas from neighbors’ cars. Man decides to take a cigarette break in the middle. Man accidentally catches scene on fire and is also arrested for arson.

It’s a glimpse into what could have been a promising independent career for the actor, and we’ll see Monteith in full when the film premieres at the Toronto Film Festival.

20. Don’t force your relationships. If something genuinely isn’t working out, you don’t owe it to each other to hash it out. You’re not CatDog or Catholic.

4. Sixteen Candles: “That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call ’em something else.”

“I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society…unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.”

5. The original title of ‘The Lion King’ was ‘King of the Jungle’ — which was scrapped when the Disney team remembered that lions don’t live in the jungle.

“Relax. Jesus. What is with you gays? Are you really that repulsed by lady parts? What do you think I have down there? A gnome?”

“There’s no cure for ugly, but you can make yourself into a human optical illusion.”

This is history in the making, folks.

When isn’t he great? It’s the one thing in life you can count on: The sun rises, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt is wonderful. These are the laws of nature.

It’s a testament to Harvey Milk’s statement that queer people need to stand up and be counted, being faces and presences in the movement. We need to be on people’s televisions, in their homes and in their lives — because it makes us harder to discriminate against.

Whether you’re a cat or a dog person, we can all agree on one thing: The animals got us beat.