Nico Lang

1. You sleep with your iPhone next to you, curled up like a kitten.

In every group of friends, there’s the “Karen” of the group, aka. the friend no one likes. If you can’t figure out who the Karen is in your friend circle, that means you are the Karen.

Anyone who likes David Sedaris is automatically good people. If you catch him reading Amy Sedaris, though, you marry him.

1. From the Sports section: “Rangers Get Whiff of Colon.”

If you’re a “Mean Girls” fan, celebrate “Mean Girls Day” with this list of other movies you’ll adore.

If there were a Best Grandfather of All-Time award, this guy would totally win.

“Lign in drerd un bakn beygl!”: A curse meaning “May you lie in the ground and bake bagels.” To explain, this curse means that you should burn in hell for all eternity and bake bagels that you may never eat.

1. “As I Lay Dying,” Written and Directed by James Franco

Co-Le Sales Company asks: “Do you still beat your wife?” Their answer: “Maybe you never should have stopped.”

“I like the pole and the hole, and right now I’m as moist as a snack cake down there. So, why don’t you come over to my crib after school, and I’ll make your pinky all stinky.”

Society loves an easy target, especially if the target has a vagina.

“Isn’t what you asked for? Isn’t it enough? When will it ever be enough?”

7. Drinking caffeine will stunt your growth.

Bonus: When You’re On The Internet Instead Of Working And Your Boss Notices

Gretchen Wieners once advocated that everyone start saying “fetch,” but don’t stop there. Don’t be a tosser. Use them all.

8. Murder.

The more we shame her, the bigger she gets. At this rate, she’ll be the biggest “slut” we’ve ever seen.

The world is his sexual oyster.