Nico Lang

Your Snuggie isn’t built for two.

They refuse to communicate what is wrong, any time that something is wrong, until whatever was wrong blows up five months later into something that is much worse than the argument that might have ensued had they just accepted your invitation to talk about it in the first place.

I still have a hard time coloring inside of the lines in coloring books, except that now I can say it’s “artistic.”

I used to blame myself for this, as I used to blame myself for a lot of things. But today, I’m going to start holding somebody else accountable.

At 24, it seems uncool to be into romance, as if the idea of commitment automatically ended with you living in the suburbs with your children Subaru, Forrester and Grand Cherokee and becoming a Facebook baby factory.

Sometimes, a little bit of sweat can be great for making whoopee, but there’s a difference between natural musk and getting down with Pigpen from the Peanuts comics.

He knows Dad and I don’t speak or don’t speak often. We speak when we have to, at family functions or funerals or weddings, but my little brother doesn’t know why. I wish I could say I didn’t know anymore, but I do. I don’t think my father knows anymore, and that’s the problem.

Notorious B.I.G., Allen Ginsberg, Princess Diana and Jeff Buckley have all been dead for 15 years. Thuy Trang, who played the yellow Power Ranger, has been dead for over a decade, as has Aaliyah.

I want a love that believes in my dreams and that is always making up new dreams with me, dreams we swear we will start living out tomorrow after the hangover ends.

Maybe it’s just the changing of the seasons or those Sarah MacLachlan commercials, but I want a dog so badly I can’t stand it, even if 90% of all the landlords I’ve ever had disagree with me on that.

Because it doesn’t matter how interesting, sexy or good in bed they are if they don’t treat you well or make you hate yourself.

Great exes will be rewarded by being on the home page, and if you can’t find the person you are dating in the top 1000, you may have a problem.