45 Hilariously Ridiculous Gwyneth Paltrow Quotes That Will Make You Want To Punch Something

Everyone has their Celebrity Trainwreck Power Animal — their Lindsay Lohan or Courtney Love — but I root for Lohan and want her to get better. I never, ever want Gwyneth Paltrow to change. What would life be without her? Some people hate her and find her irritating, but that’s beside her point. Gwyneth Paltrow’s self-centeredness and lack of a filter give me life.

I was having a bad morning, so I put together some of my favorite Paltrow quotes to cheer me up — featuring Gwyneth name-dropping, hanging out with Beyonce, chillin’ with her wood burning stove and pretending she likes rap. Did I miss any good wall-punch-inducing sound bytes? Leave your favorites in the comments.

1. “I don’t want to be rich and I don’t want to be famous.”

2. Harper’s Bazaar writes: “Having survived her 10th London winter (she got through January by assigning it “international month,” and amusing Moses and his big sister, Apple, 9, with a visiting Italian chef, Japanese anime screenings, and hand-rolled-sushi lessons, no less), Paltrow admits that her dreams of relocating the family to their recently acquired residence in Brentwood, California, are becoming ever more urgent.

3. On her Nanny and her children: “She’s French, so she’s teaching them French, and their previous nanny was Spanish, so they’re fluent in Spanish.”

4. On why she doesn’t get drunk: “No. I think they’re the idiot people and I’m the normal person. But I don’t really go to parties where…I don’t really have drunk friends. My friends are kind of adult; they have a drink. But they hold their liquor. I think it’s incredibly embarrassing when people are drunk. It just looks so ridiculous. I find it very degrading. I think, oh, you’re really degrading yourself right now, to be this pissed out in public.”

5. “I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year.”

6. On taking a retreat to Sedona, Arizona: “I’ll never forget it. I was starting to hike up the red rocks, and honestly, it was as if I heard the rock say: ‘You have the answers. You are your teacher.’ I thought I was having an auditory hallucination.”

7. “I love the English way, which is not as capitalistic as it is in America. People don’t talk about work and money; they talk about interesting things at dinner parties. I like living here because I don’t tap into the bad side of American psychology, which is ‘I’m not achieving enough, I’m not making enough, I’m not at the top of the pile.’ It’s just kind of like, I am.”

8. On what her kids eat: “They love a brown rice stir-fry, but they also love their ‘Coke of the week…My daughter gravitates toward fresh fruit and raw nuts but will inhale a bag of hot Cheetos at the airport. It’s all about balance.” [GOOP Newsletter]

9. “I’m just a normal mother with the same struggles as any other mother who’s trying to do everything at once and trying to be a wife and maintain a relationship. There’s absolutely nothing perfect about my life, but I just try hard.”

10. On living in Europe: “It is so different from the United States. It seemed to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old. Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it’s from 500 B.C., it’s incredible.”

11. Reminding us, again, that she’s best friends with Beyonce: “Beyoncé’s like, ‘Okay. The singing is great. But you’re not having any fun.’ She’s like, ‘Remember when we were at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that. Be you!’”

12. From The New Yorker article on Gwyneth Paltrow’s dinner party: “Jessica Seinfeld made a toast. She turned to the assembled guests. ‘And you are all so lucky to be part of Gwyneth’s world. Because this is the real deal. And she’s invited all of you good people in here. I would never do that.’”

13. “Sometimes Harvey Weinstein will let me use the Miramax jet if I’m opening a supermarket for him.”

14. Being a voice of the people: “Every woman can make time [to work out] — every woman — and you can do it with your baby in the room. There have been countless times where I’ve worked out with my kids crawling around all over the place. You just make it work.” [New York Daily News]

15. Criticizing people for being upset about 9/11: “I find the English amazing how they got over 7/7. There were no multiple memorials with people sobbing as they would have been in America. There, they are constantly scaring people but at the same time, people think nothing of going to see a therapist.”

16. “I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup.” [Conan]

17. To Cosmo: “We’re human beings and the sun is the sun—how can it be bad for you? I don’t think anything that’s natural can be bad for you.”

18. “Some days I feel like everyone in my world has plugged themselves into my kidneys. I’m so tired.”

19. “One cold wintry day in London, I was dreaming about salad nicoise—one of my favorites.” [My Father’s Daughter]

20. “Even actresses that you really admire, like Reese Witherspoon, you think, ‘Another romantic comedy?’ You see her in something like Walk the Line and think, ‘God, you’re so great!’ And then you think, ‘Why is she doing these stupid romantic comedies?’ But of course, it’s for money and status.”

21. “Beauty fades! I just turned 29, so I probably don’t have that many good years left in me.”

22. Using her Madonna slang: “I’m just like any other regular mum; cooking, cleaning, wiping butts, picking up after kids, being a wife and helping the kids with their homework. Mind you, I’m terrible at maths. I can’t even do my six-year-old’s maths homework with her.”

23. “One year I was given a birthday present I’ll never forget — a cooking lesson from Jamie Oliver.” [My Father’s Daughter]

24. “[Moses] is obsessed with hip-hop and wanted a gold chain like his uncle Jay-Z.”

25. “I had my first bowl of gazpacho when I was fifteen in Spain, and the impression it made was a lasting one.” [My Father’s Daughter]

26. Her guilty pleasure:”My one light American Spirit that I smoke once a week, on Saturday night.”

27. “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.”

28. On being a working mother: “I just look for interesting supporting—biggish supporting parts, and try to do one a year, and that’s my limit. Some women can do it and that’s fantastic, but I can’t. You make choices as a wife and mother, don’t you? You can’t have it all. I don’t care what it looks like.”

29. “During the strict macrobiotic chapter of my life, I ate miso soup every day for breakfast and sometimes with dinner as well.” [My Father’s Daughter]

30. “I don’t hold on to fear as much as I used to, because I’ve learned a lot about genuinely not caring what strangers think about me. It’s very liberating. It’s very empowering, and I’ve learned a lot of that from Jay—Shawn Carter—Z, because his approach to life is very internal. It’s a very good lesson to learn.”

31. On The Met Gala: “I’m never going again. It was so un-fun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all.”

32. “One evening when I had my wood-burning stove going I realized I hadn’t thought of dessert.” [My Father’s Daughter]

33. “When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some restaurant because they get a kickback, it’s like, ‘No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris?'”

34. “I’m not sure how healthy bacon is in general, but I know it’s incredibly delicious.” [My Father’s Daughter]

35. “He [Chris Martin] can’t have background music on. It has to be 100 percent of his attention. But if he isn’t at home, I turn on the hip-hop. I’m like a bad mutha rapping along to every word as I cook.”

36. When asked what her last meal would be: “Oysters and cocktail sauce, and then a baked, stuffed lobster and french fries. I would have a baguette and a cheese course for my dessert, and red wine. I drank like crazy [when the kids were babies]. How else could I get through my day?”

37. “When I was twenty-one, a friend gave me a book called Diet for a New America by John Robbins, which exposed the brutal practices of American factory farms. That, coupled with a lecture from Leonardo DiCaprio (when he was nineteen and I was twenty-one) about how such animals are kept and processed, made me lose my desire for factory farm pork and beef right there.” [My Father’s Daughter]

38. “There’s a portion of the movie where something bad happens to me, and I lose my clothes along the way, so essentially I’m wearing a bra and trousers. There are certain requirements, but luckily I have a good base because I work out often.”

39. “We’ve got a wood-burning pizza oven in the garden—a luxury, I know, but it’s one of the best investments I’ve ever made.” [My Father’s Daughter]

40. On living in Europe: “We have great dinner parties at which everyone sits around talking about politics, history, art and literature—all this peppered with really funny jokes. But back in America, I was at a party and a girl looked at me and said, ‘Oh, my God! Are those Juicy jeans that you’re wearing?’ and I thought, I can’t stay here. I have to get back to Europe. I love America too. It is just a more adolescent culture.”

41. “I think that women, especially women in my job, come to me because they know I’m very loving and nonjudgmental and I’m not competitive, and I’ve been through a lot.” [Harper’s]

42. On beauty: “You know, I use organic products, but I get lasers. It’s what makes life interesting, finding the balance between cigarettes and tofu.” [Harper’s]

43. “Through this process my father and daughter had unwittingly taught me the importance of balance. Could I use some butter and cheese and eggs in my cooking without going down some kind of hippie shame spiral? Yes. Of course I could.” [My Father’s Daughter]

44. “Just to have my kids be in the sun every day—picking avocados, going for a swim…Even for two years or something, and come back when they go to senior school.” [Harper’s]

45. “I first had a version of this at a Japanese monastery during a silent retreat—don’t ask, it’s a long story.” [My Father’s Daughter]

Explore celeb-studded Chateau Marmont with Ryan O’Connell here.