50 Things That Should Be Relationship Dealbreakers

1. They won’t or can’t say I love you, even after years and years of being together, or can’t show you how they feel, even in non-verbal ways.

2. They won’t introduce you to their friends or family members and you haven’t been to a single family get-together. However, the latter is understandable if their family genuinely sucks and they don’t go to those either.

3. They won’t kiss you or look at you during sex.

4. They absolutely refuse to go down on you ever, because they can’t see that giving you pleasure is pleasure for them, or rebuff your requests for reciprocation.

5. They call you names, like “stupid,” “idiot,” “bitch,” “whore” and “slut.”

6. They don’t understand what consent is or that sex is not an obligation.

7. They don’t know what your middle name or your favorite color is or key facts about you that you would expect every single person who knows you well to know.

8. They don’t let you speak during conversations, consistently talk over you and interrupt you or just won’t shut up ever. Find someone who knows when to be silent or can sit and enjoy the silence.

9. They won’t marry you, even though they know that you really, really want to get married and you’ve been together for seven years.

10. They won’t pick up after themselves, ever, and always make you do it.

11. They refuse to participate in things they know you really like and are meaningful to you, even though you’ve explained how much these things mean to you and have repeatedly asked them.

12. They won’t let you like the things you like, because even if they don’t like your favorite band, they should see why that band is important to you and respect that.

13. They yell at you a lot for no reason. Or they yell at you a lot for any reason. Someone who wants to be with you will communicate with you in a respectful, low-decibel manner.

14. They refuse to communicate what is wrong, any time that something is wrong, until whatever was wrong blows up five months later into something that is much worse than the argument that might have ensued had they just accepted your invitation to talk about it in the first place.

15. They still act like a child — not in a cute, fun, let’s-play-Hopscotch! way but in a still-throws-temper-tantrums-in-public way.

16. They never listen to you when you are speaking or when you are talking about your day.

17. They don’t value or respect your opinions or take you seriously.

18. They won’t let you win in arguments or let you be right, ever, because everything is always about them.

19. They don’t know what your needs are, because they haven’t asked and didn’t listen when you told them what they were, or aren’t willing to evolve as those needs evolve.

20. They won’t make simple compromises with you and try to find common ground or will ask that you make sacrifices that they won’t return the favor on.

21. They can’t see the value in your career or life goals and do things like insist that, were you to have children, you would have to be the one who stays home with them all day.

22. They always insinuate that their career or job (read: life) is somehow more important than whatever you are doing. (Even being a stay-home parent is a lot of work.)

23. They aren’t willing to adapt to the little quirks and eccentricities that make you so wonderfully yourself.

24. They repeatedly body shame you and make you feel bad about the way you look.

25. They don’t know the difference between being cute jealous and being Othello.

26. They spend money outrageously irresponsibly, like using the money you had saved up to buy new lenses to go on a shopping spree, and won’t do the work to become more fiscally mature, because they won’t do the work to become more mature.

27. They are out of work and won’t look for a job; it’s not that they can’t find one, but that they won’t get off the damn couch.

28. They are cheating on you or in love with someone else when the two of you are monogamous, or they are already in a monogamous relationship with someone else.

29. They spend more time playing with video games or Twitter than they do playing with you.

30. They make fun of you for being who you are or try to change you into someone you don’t want to be — when that change has nothing to do with your wellbeing or safety.

31. They don’t care for themselves or about themselves, particularly in the universally agreed upon areas of personal hygiene.

32. They won’t look up from their phone at the dinner table, during sex or while ordering from their barista.

33. They are nice to you, but only you — while being a tool to your friends, your family, their friends, their family, your dog, their dog, the mailman, the busboy, their secretary, the cab driver, the barista and almost every other person you see every day. Or they are not nice to you.

34. They lie to you consistently about everything or hide major things from you — like that they have a secret family.

35. They won’t be a part of your chosen family.

36. They continually shame you about your past or the person you were before you met them and refuse to let go of that thing you’ve repeatedly asked them to let go of. You have to accept someone else’s baggage.

37. They can’t respect your privacy and have a habit of going through your email, Facebook, phone, diary, underwear drawer, planner or pager (if anyone still has one of those) to look for “evidence” or check to see who you are talking to, because if you have to check up on someone to feel comfortable in a relationship, that is probably not the relationship for you. You can’t have a relationship if you don’t trust each other.

38. They can’t find any joy or pleasure in life and have no passion or drive for anything, not even small things.

39. They will let you go to bed mad, because they don’t really care if you get mad, because they’re okay with just giving you the silent treatment and that’s it, because they aren’t mature enough to resolve conflict or they don’t really care about your feelings.

40. They speak fluent passive-aggression.

41. They don’t let you be with other people, like your friends and family, and don’t understand that you have a life that exists outside of them. Space is important.

42. They won’t ask for help, because they don’t really think they need help, won’t allow themselves to be helped, refuse to change for the better or can’t allow anyone to be a part of facilitating that change.

43. They won’t kick back and relax or be silly with you, like those times you just really just want to have a Buffy marathon, stay in bed all morning for no reason or sit and just enjoy each other’s presence.

44. They can’t take criticism, like if you gently bring up that they chew with their mouth open and they lash out at you for it, as if you are supposed to be the one who chews their food for them. People like that won’t take any fault in the relationship, which is a problem when attempting to build a life with someone.

45. They don’t understand the difference between being helpful and proactive and a little type-A and being incredibly controlling and manipulative.

46. They hurt or injure you as a joke, because setting someone on fire is “soo funny.”

47. They have a secret Twitter account to complain about your relationship, rather than just voicing their concerns and complaints to you.

48. They won’t learn, grow, or try new things, ever, even new things that you really want to try and promise them sex in return for trying, and won’t experiment in the bedroom.

49. They threaten you or hit you. Even if they say they are sorry. Even if it’s just one time. Forgiveness is your choice, and I won’t shame you for forgiveness, but in my opinion, you can forgive someone without ever being in a relationship with them ever again. You can move on by moving on.

50. They just aren’t in love with you anymore, and you aren’t in love with them anymore. There’s no sense in spending all that time on someone you don’t really want to be with.