The 10 Most Giffable Moments Of AHS: Apocalypse Episode 3 ‘Forbidden Fruit’

I’M A HOMOSEXUAL HAVING A PANIC ATTACK BECAUSE THE WITCHES ARE FINALLY BACK BLESSED BE THE GODDESS SO MOTE IT BE.

But, before we get ahead of ourselves, let’s back up and talk about the “Forbidden Fruit” death toll because a lot happened before the Unholy Trinity glided through the door like they were about to own the place.

Yaaas Mallory, you serve that big witch bitch energy!

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At the top of the hour, Langdon was still interrogating the bunker inhabitants to find out which ones would get to advance to the real safe house, and we get the first taste of what fans have been screaming for, into the void of Twitter, for weeks now—we want our witchy women. First, Mallory goes full Madison vs. The Bus, and blasts him across the room, which she also erupts in flames (and we also get confirmation on what we’ve all suspected, this little shit Langdon is a demon). Next, we find out that Dinah might also be packing some heat in the way of some voodoo as well.

Me, after hearing Michael Langdon summon the devil on my TV:

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Following the revelation that Mallory is a witch, Langdon gives us some good Fairuza Balk in The Craft, writhing around naked in a pool of his own blood, summoning his devil daddy. This scene went nowhere and only establishes that Langdon has nice abs.

Talk about Billy on The Street

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For the next big twist: out in the wasteland beyond the compound, a familiar figure emerges from the mist. His eyebrows are gone and his hairline is a travesty, but we’d recognize him anywhere: Coco’s erstwhile husband, Brock (Billy Eichner), has survived the nuclear blast (his hair did not) and is searching for her in the post-apocalyptic hellscape where former reality cooking show contestants are bickering with other radiation-scarred survivors over the best way to roast a human leg. Lucky for Brock, he manages to hitch a ride on a horse-drawn carriage bound for the hidden hideaway. When the carriage arrives, Venable and Mead find that it contains a trove of fresh, red apples — and don’t notice the stowaway clinging to the underside.

Coco better stop disrespecting our good sister, Mallory, like that.

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Amongst all the craziness, there’s one thing we can always count on: Coco being Coco. Neither she or Gay Evan Peters can deal with Mallory pulling focus from their getting ready for the big Halloween Ball, and poop all over her mental breakdown. Speaking of, the Halloween Ball is basically this year’s Red Wedding, and there’s more upchuck at this party than a Sigma Chi tailgate.

Venable and Miriam have resolved to kill everyone at the party, including Langdon, and use his computer to triangulate the Sanctuary.

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This is a big bad dumb plan, and if Venable had any sense, she’d notice the Google Maps-shaped hole in her decision-making. Step one of the plan (killing everyone with poison apples) goes off without a hitch, but it’s not all smooth sailing, because she ends up dead too.

Venable tells Langdon that she is deciding who is going to the sanctuary now

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Langdon out here with his own pet robot, like:

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It’s official: Kathy Bates is a robot. While not surprising in and of itself, we did learn that it’s everybody’s favorite antichrist who made her, not Venable. And, he did so in the image of the woman who raised him, Jessica Lange. Girl, I think you messed up somewhere in the programming because homegirl is not on that level.

Coco tries to barter her way into the sanctuary by lickin’ the antichrist’s booty hole

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Then it finally happened—all of my homosexual dreams came true—the coven arrived to fuck shit up.

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And revive a bunch of dead witches. Surprise, Coco is one too. Ugh.

Sarah Paulson switching from Venable to Cordelia in point six seconds

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Additional thoughts and predictions:

What do we think the relationship is between Mallory and Madison? I’m thinking cousins because it would be weird for them to know each other, both be witches, and not be related, right?

Was hearing Emma Roberts repeat her infamous line as good for you as it was for me?

Where the fuck are my Queenie and Misty??

Is there really a difference between voodoo witches and the white-celtic witches? Dinah seems to already know she’s a witch, and so does Langdon, but he only cares about Mallory. In Coven, it always seemed like only the white girls had actual “gifts,” with the exception of Queenie.

Everyone pray to god that annoying teen couple is dead for good, and their ghosts don’t pop up, please!