3 Things I Need To Be Doing With My Life (According To Daytime TV)

My job allows me to do some pretty great things – I can travel the world, help people who can’t help themselves, and bring war heroes home. But the best part is that I get the most random days off which allows me to watch a lot of daytime television. Which is just fantastic. Apparently the majority of people who watch a lot of daytime TV are fairly different from me in their general direction in life. But these commercials are pretty persuasive, so If I listened to them I’d be taking some certainly different steps forward (read: backwards) in life. Things like…

1. Go to Community College

I got my bachelor’s degree back in 2009 but apparently I need to jumpstart my career. Probably because I’m sitting on my couch shirtless and wearing gym shorts with no intention of going to the gym at 1pm on a Wednesday my television feels the need to judge me and my life decisions. But if only I knew what to do and where to go and how to fix things. Well I’m not going to worry my unshowered and somehow moist head off because DeVry, Everest College, ITT-Tech, University of Phoenix, University of Maryland University College (it’s got University in their name twice – so you know it’s good), Arts Institute of America, and Full Sail University are all there to support my decision to get a two-year degree and get me out of my parents’ basement and supporting my children, who are apparently numerous and without healthcare, but I’ll get to that later. That was an unnecessarily long sentence. And instead of fixing it I’m just going to write about it and make fun of myself for being too lazy to edit my own work and instead continue to write to make this article longer. Brilliant. My laziness makes stoners look productive. The good thing is that even if I didn’t realize what the benefits of education were there are a literally thousands of commercials there to remind me. The ITT-Tech guys are exceptionally persuasive. They even have reunions of all the graduates, who now have IT skills, sharing their stories about how their lives have improved. Serious, look this stuff up on YouTube. I’m sure it’s there. One guy even talks about how he now has time to pick his kids up from school. Which begs the question – if he couldn’t get a job before going back to school then what was he doing with his time? And why was he fathering children without a job? Now I realize this may sound pretentious and douchey but I was an English major in college and somehow managed to get a well paying and now write just for fun on the internet since there’s no real money in actual writing. Check Amazon’s top sellers list (I think Twilight’s on there like seventeen times) and you’ll get my point. Moving on –

2. Go to Rehab

The main reason I keep writing is that it gives my alcoholism credibility. I’m not a crazy drunk – I’m an artist. My life can be pretty much summed up in Bo Burnham’s song “Art is Dead” I’m sure you can find that on YouTube too. But if there was ever a time my alcoholism and wanton drug use (editor’s note – I don’t do drugs) ever got the best me (they already have, check my fridge and see if you can find anything other than alcohol, there might be some old pasta moving on its own somewhere in the back that I could probably submit for a Nobel Prize in genetics or something) I can head down to Passages Malibu for treatment. Have you seen this place? Check out their website. It’s unbelievable! This place looks way better than any vacation I’ve ever taken. I’ve honestly considered getting a drug addiction or just seriously ramping up my drinking just to be admitted to this place. It has everything! There’s a ropes course, equine assisted therapy (I didn’t even know that was a thing – riding horses as a form of medical treatment, sounds awesome!), yoga, massages, hypnotherapy, acupuncture, and physical fitness training. What else could you possibly want? Unless there’s some way to possibly combine all of these things. Doing yoga on top of a horse while hypnotized with needles jabbed into every pressure point in your body, that would incredible. Until you fell off the horse because the masseuse messed up your balance then you’d have more needles going into you than those smelly guys who hang out by the playground next to that abandoned school downtown. But that’s besides the point, this place looks unbelievable. By far the most incredulous rehab facility on Earth. And what’s even more ridiculous, although somehow strangely believable and certainly appealing is that all the stock photos of this place show the people going through treatment all have one unmistakable thing in common. They are all gorgeous. The thin brunette lady getting a massage, the blonde girl doing yoga, and even the older gentleman who looks like a combination between Harrison Ford and Robert Downey Jr (just picture that, ladies). This is an insanely attractive group. And no need to worry about an icebreaker at the patient mixer, I’d just smuggle in some booze like a modern day Han Solo (that’s a Harrison Ford joke) and be the most popular guy on campus. Winning (that’s a Charlie Sheen joke). And the best part about all of this? They accept insurance. I somehow need to convince my insurance company to send me here. My family wants to go to Disneyworld on vacation? Screw that, I’m going to start drinking rubbing alcohol from the bottle until someone signs me up for this place.

3. Get Healthcare / Life Insurance / Life Alert

Apparently I am going to get sick and die and be an insane burden to everyone. And for that I am sorry. Did you know that the average funeral costs over $5000? Because I didn’t. And that’s good information for me, a young male in his mid-twenties in a high stress job, with a type A personality, a penchant for driving fast, and a new taste for rubbing alcohol because I am certainly not going to be around forever if I keep all this up. And unless I cut back on this rubbing alcohol (I mix it with orange juice – got to get that Vitamin C so I don’t get any pirate diseases) or someone ponies up and sends me to Passages Malibu (Please. Someone? Anyone?) I probably won’t make it to next Tuesday. So I better make sure I listen to Alex Trebek’s words of wisdom and the passing conversations of old women who have lost their husbands (my bet is they faked their deaths and went to rehab in Malibu) and couldn’t pay for their funerals because those selfish bastards never got life insurance. And that’s just the ones who die, what about if I were to slip and fall and wind up in a coma or unable to work? My insane amount of children (told you I’d get back to this eventually) would be unable to fend for themselves. Unless of course they were in Delaware in the toddler fight club ring, and then my life saving’s would be going on the other kids because I do not come from a line of physically imposing people. But if I did fall, which – let’s face it – I do quite often because I am not exceptionally coordinated or graceful, then I’d need Life Alert. Because apparently my loved ones don’t care enough about me to call me every day to make sure I’m still alive like the lady in the commercial. Then I’d just be lying on my cold wood floor, cell phone just out of reach, unable to help myself. And I know my office wouldn’t send anyone. I’ve had the schedulers call me when I’m outside of the country (they’re supposed to know where I am at all times and what I’m doing), or text me asking me to do something that night or the next morning, and I’m looking at my phone and asking myself how they expect me to accomplish something back home when I’m currently at a bar somewhere in Europe. But if I had Life Alert clipped to my belt (I don’t think I own a belt) then all would be fine and I’d be saved faster than you can say “why is that young man at home in nothing but gym shorts drinking rubbing alcohol, if only he were enrolled in community college and had some direction in his life.” Maybe if someone found me like that they’d finally check me into Passages Malibu. I hope.