How To Almost Burn Your House Down With Julia Child
A towel? Like, a paper towel? Or a regular towel. I don’t know, when I mean paper towel I never just say “towel,” I say “paper towel.” A towel is a towel. So, OK. To the bathroom!
Alright, Julia Child. I watched your little Julie and Julia movie a few months back, and I understand you know how to make the food. I want to make Coq au Vin. You have a recipe for Coq au Vin. Seems like this little tango of life has brought us together for a spin, has it not? I’ve got the chicken. I’ve got a knife and a cutting board. I’ve got some pans and stuff. I have a stove with two functional burners and an oven that works unless it’s in one of its moods. Let’s do this thing.
Dry chicken thoroughly in a towel. Season chicken with salt and pepper.
A towel? Like, a paper towel? Or a regular towel. I don’t know, when I mean paper towel I never just say “towel,” I say “paper towel.” A towel is a towel. So, OK. To the bathroom! OK. OK…well, I have a brown towel, and a white towel. The white towel is mine. The brown towel is my roommate’s.
I dry the chicken thoroughly with the brown towel.
Remove any rind off the bacon…
Rind. Bacon rind. I’ve seen melon rinds. I don’t know what a bacon rind is. Is that the fat? Nah, fat is all bacon is, right? I don’t see any rind. This is rind-less bacon. Nothing is coming off this bacon.
…and cut the bacon into lardons.
Hahahahahah what the fuck is a lardon? I’m going with “strips.” That’s my guess. So I cut the towel-dried, rind-less bacon into strips.
In a saucepan, simmer the bacon sticks in 2 quarts of water for 10 minutes.
When did bacon sticks get introduced? I don’t have any bacon sticks. I have bacon strips aka lardons. Is a lardon where you put something on a stick?
Also, we’re cooking this in water? Bacon water? I’m trusting you here, Julia. I’m putting the bacon in the water. Also, I don’t know how much a quart is and don’t feel like looking it up so I’m just going to put “a few glasses” of water in there. Hope that’s cool.
In a large heavy frying pan, casserole dish, or electric skillet…
WHICH ONE JULIA? DON’T YOU DARE THROW AN “OR” AT ME RIGHT NOW!
…heat olive oil until moderately hot.
You’re trolling me now, Julia. You’re trolling me. Moderately hot? How on earth am I supposed to measure if olive oil is moderately hot? Is it bubbling? Can I touch it? Will it smile at me and say “We’re at moderate here, boss!”
Add the bacon and sauté slowly until they are lightly browned.
Sauté slowly. Does that mean I stir it slowly while sautéing? Or that I hope we hit the whole moderate mark earlier and it cooks slowly?
Move bacon to side, then place chicken pieces into the hot oil (not crowding pan) and brown on all sides.
Now the oil is hot, apparently. We’ve moved up from moderate to hot. Sure. Also, I don’t know how to “not crowd” a pan, so I moved to the other side of the kitchen to give it some space.
After browning the chicken, pour in the cognac.
I don’t have any cognac. We’re going with Bacardi 151.
Flambé by igniting with a lighted match.
…
FLAMBÉ BY IGNITING WITH A LIGHTED MATCH.
Julia. Come on. This is how people die.
Flambé by igniting with a lighted match.
Fine. FINE. Alright, here we go. OK. Ah. HA! It’s flaming! It’s flaming! I flambéed!
Let flame a minute, swirling pan by its handle to burn off alcohol…
OK. Swirling. Swirling. Still flaming pretty good here, Jules. I don’t know if the alcohol is burning off…
…then extinguish with pan cover.
I DON’T HAVE A PAN COVER, JULIA! WHAT DO I DO NOW?
Pour the red wine into the pan and add just enough chicken broth to completely cover the chicken pieces.
IT’S STILL BURNING JULIA. I POURED THE RED WINE AND THE CHICKEN BROTH IN THERE BUT IT’S STILL FLAMING PRETTY GOOD. THE SMOKE ALARM IS GOING OFF AND I’M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT MY BUILDING’S FIRE ALARM PROTOCOL IS.
Stir in tomato paste, garlic, bay leaf, and thyme.
THE BAY LEAF DIDN’T DO SHIT. JUST WENT UP IN A CRISP. WHOLE APARTMENT IS FILLING WITH SMOKE, JULES. WHOLE GOD DAMN APARTMENT IS BURNING.
Bring the liquid to a simmer, then cover pan, and simmer slowly for about 30 minutes.
THE FIREFIGHTERS ARE HERE AND THEY SAY THAT THIS IS A FULL ABORT, JULIA. FULL ABORT. YOU REALLY SCREWED ME ON THIS ONE. THE FIREFIGHTERS ARE NOT PLEASED, AND THEY DON’T GIVE A HOOT ABOUT THE SLOW SIMMER. YOU REALLY GOT ME, JULIA. GOT ME RIGHT IN THE LARDONS. 
