A Fiction Writer Applies for a Job in Sales

Hi there.

Hiya.

So you’re Nathan.

Yup. That’s me.

Why do you want to work in sales?

Well, you know, I’ve been an active buyer for my whole life. Movie tickets. Coffee. Food. I even bought a computer a year or two ago. And being on one side of the, you know, whole buying and selling thing, I’m pretty sure I’m ready to try the other side.

Are you comfortable making cold calls?

Is that like where you call people without them expecting you to call them?

Yes.

Oh. Jeez. That sounds terrible.

Well, it’s an important part of what we do here.

Can I do funny voices?

What?

Like, a British accent or something. For some reason that makes me feel like it would make it easier for me to cold call people if I were pretending to be someone else. I don’t know why. Man. Is that messed up? That’s totally messed up, right? Hold on. I need to write that down quickly. OK…OK.

Let’s move on.

Surely.

Have you consistently met your sales goals?

Yes.

Yes?

Yes.

Can you elaborate?

Well, to meet goals you have to have goals in the first place. And since I have never had a sales goal in my life, it’s pretty safe for me to say that I have consistently met them.

Right. Um, well, I guess we’ll keep going. Do you prefer a long or short sales cycle?

Short. No! Long.

Any reason?

Not in the slightest.

Do you consider yourself outgoing?

Nope. Well, actually, on the phone or in person?

Um, either.

Still nope. I am not outgoing on the phone or in person.

How did you land your most successful sale?

Most successful sale… OH! I convinced some sap to buy a portion of my Marvel card collection at a yard sale for like 25 bucks, even though none were close to mint condition and I had doubles of all the good ones anyway.

…

Is that not, uh, what you were looking for there?

No, no…

I mean, I didn’t totally screw the guy over. There was the holographic Nightcrawler in there, which is pretty sweet, but I don’t have to tell you that…

No. That’s fine. Um, how would your colleagues describe you?

Colleagues…well, my cat, the Venerable Theodor Herzl, never complains about my work habits.

The Venerable…

Theodor Herzl. He’s my cat. I work from home, so he’s, you know, my colleague.

OK.

Wait, do I have to come in an office for this job?

Yes.

Oh. Wow. Yikes. OK.

Is that a problem?

…Nah. Nah.

Are you sure?

Well, what’s the pants policy?

What?

The pants policy.

Like, do you have to wear them?

Yeah.

Yes, you have to wear pants.

Oh. Wow. Yikes. OK.

Is that a problem?

Well, to be perfectly straight with you bud: probably.

You know what, let’s call this right here.

Yep. Good call. This has been fun.

Really?

Nope, not at all. Caught me there. Have a good one!