Pet Stores That Don’t Use Puns In Their Names Should Not Exist

There are a lot of things that anger me in this world. The state of American broadcast journalism can rile me up. Our nation’s obesity problem. The lack of common decency I see between people, both online and off. All of these things can put me in a sour mood. But nothing, and I repeat nothing, angers me like when I see a pet store that doesn’t have a pun in the name.

Let me put it this way: life is short. If you are going to spend some of your precious minutes on this earth taking out loans, buying real estate, securing proper zoning, hiring employees, getting inventory, all to open up your dream pet store, why ON EARTH would you not then give said pet store a hilarious, punny name for everyone to enjoy?

The obvious perpetrator of this crime is Petco, but they are a monstrous corporate entity and I cannot blame them for settling on a soulless, commercial name that isn’t going to offend someone. I imagine trying to get the name Unnecessary Ruffness past the market research and legal teams would be an uphill battle at best. Petco, you’re excused from this conversation.

The rest of you small business owners, though, who sell wares for our canine/feline friends, I ask a simple question: How DARE you not name your store something punny and hilarious? I’m looking straight at you, Planet Pet, that is just down the street from me in Washington, DC. Where do you get off with that name? Planet Pet?! I expect a name like that from the meatheads over at Planet Fitness. But from you? You let me down. No. You did.

And what are you snickering about over there? Don’t you think even for a second I forgot about you, Dupont Pet Stop. Embarrassing. Simply embarrassing. At least Planet Pet went for a stab at alliteration. You make me sick.

For all the other thousands, I’m sure millions, of my readers who are planning on opening small pet stores in the next few weeks, I humbly offer up some names for your business, so I can stop seeing this travesty across what I used to think was a great nation. Together, we can make every pet store in this country have a hilarious pun name that will make me chuckle a couple times. YES WE CAN. YES WE CAN.

Ruff and Tumble

A Walk in the Bark

Breeding Rainbow

Pick of the Litter

Pick of the Critter

Dog Gone It

Get Your Squeak On

Yip-ecanoe and Tyler Too

Live Long and Slobber

Shih Tzu Happens

On The Growl

Raise the Woof

Purr Usual

100 Miles Purr Hour

The Unbearable Lightness of Peeing

Fee Fido Fo Fum

Fur Get Me Not

Raiders of the Lost Bark

The Devil is in the De-“Tails”

The Big Bad Woof

Stay Pawsitive

Pawticulars

Feather Locklear

The Good, the Bad, and the Ug-leash

Yip Yip Hooray

Puptown Girl

For Pet’s Sake

Wags to Riches

You Can Take our Lives, But You Can Never Take our Furr-eedom