7 things in fast New York that are not fast.

NewYork City is thought of as a city where everything is fast. That everyone and everything is in a constant state of rush. That if you stop for a second you’ll be run over by the stampede of people screaming and sprinting behind you. Well, thats just not true. Not everything in New York is fast, and here are seven examples.

Pigeons in NY do what they want to do. They are walking to the beat of their own drum. A lot of other cities pigeons will get out of the way of cars and people. In New York? Nope. They don’t move. They’ve seen people. People don’t scare or impress them. I’ve seen a pigeon cross at a street light. Waited for it to turn green, and it walked. And the pigeon did not walk with any sense of urgency. Pigeons treat NY like they’re on vacation at a beach. If I saw a pigeon with a Mai Tai I wouldn’t be shocked. If you are behind a pigeon in New York, be prepared to yell, “You serious, bird? Walk faster! Pick up that pizza crust, fly outta here and peck at it somewhere else!”

“You think I need to be anywhere? I’m not moving.”

Even though strollers have wheels, and people pushing them could easily tear through the streets, they are not moving at all. Most of the time people with strollers in NY are walking down the middle of the sidewalk. The middle! Just crawling along, taking up the whole thing, stopping every once in awhile to send a text on their phone. Or stopping to make sure they are still walking down the exact middle of the sidewalk. If you get caught behind a stroller in New York, be prepared to yell, “Pull over if you’re going to send a text! Would you stop in the middle of the highway to change your radio station? Pull over!”

“I will stop here. This is where I will stop. Right…. here.”

So you want to go to one of these places. They are usually fast. And you’re in NY, so, it’s probably one of THE FASTEST ONES, right? Ah, you’ve been led astray. Order anything but a regular coffee at Starbucks in NY and you’re waiting for the end of a conversation about Kanye before they start making your drink. You order food at McDonald’s, and it takes long enough that you’ll think the food is going to be real. Maybe? Could it be? No. It’s not. It’s just a ten minute Big Mac. If you find yourself at a McDonald’s or Starbucks in Manhattan, be prepared to yell, “Who cares why Kim Kardashian wore yesterday!? There’s more people waiting for what they ordered than ordering. Put it together!”

“Can I get you some speed with that? … Kidding. You’ll get your food when you get it.”

Man. Couples. Couples in this city like to crawl along, holding each other while taking baby sips of their coffees, or hot chocolates, or taking baby bites of a burrito. Falling in love all over again with every step and bite and sip. Love does not move fast. It crawls along. Love songs? Slow. Movies about love? Mostly slow. People in love walking down a street? Slowest.  Love is not quick. That’s why your instincts of love don’t kick in when you’re in danger. If they did, you’d just sit there, trying to hug the tiger that is eating you. If you get stuck behind a couple in New York, be prepared to yell, “This is a busy street, not a John Cusack movie! Pick up your love feet!”

“Get out of the way, couple! Look how many people are behind you!”

Tourists  through the city, taking pictures of everything. Buildings, corners of buildings, doors of buildings, doormen of buildings, trees in front of buildings, trees, lobbies of buildings, buildings from different angles. Tourists love to take a lot of pictures of New York buildings. They’ll also take random things and snap pictures. You can find a tourist standing in the middle of a busy street taking a picture of an old box of french fries that somebody dropped.  If you get stuck behind some tourists in New York, be prepared to yell, “It’s just a half eaten slice of pizza on the ground! You don’t need a picture of that!”

“Oh, wow. That’s a garbage can. A New York garbage can! Gotta get a picture of me with this leg in front of it!”

Put a couple together with a stroller? Wow, buddy. You’re stuck behind two things that don’t move. Maybe they’ll stop every few seconds to fall in love all over again with each other or the baby. Or arguing with each other sometimes about where they should eat, where the eight month old in the stroller should go to college, or praising that eight month old when they get out of the stroller, stand in the middle of the sidewalk, and fall down. If you get stuck behind a couple with a stroller, be prepared to yell, “Don’t let him learn how to walk here! This is 5th Ave, not your living room! And he can’t walk, stop talking about what his major will be. His minor right now is crawling.”

“Well, what happened was we got stuck behind a couple in a stroller. I din’t think we’d ever get out from behind them. Some people didn’t. It was really tragic.”

You’d think these would just be flying around. That it’d be hard to get on one because of how fast the doors are closing. You’d be wrong. After two am, sometimes as early as midnight, these things are SLOW. Maybe they are caught behind a garbage train, a train that is just full of trash that moves slow and looks like it just came straight from hell. Maybe there’s a man standing on the track doing construction. “Construction” on a NY subway track is a man with a flash light standing on that train track. If you’re waiting for a NY subway train after midnight, be prepared to yell, “What day is it? What year! How long have I been down here?!

“Alright, this train is going to take forever. Let’s get limber and do some yoga in the meantime.”

Twitter @nathanmacintosh