Sometimes With Growth Comes Pain

I am feeling a heaviness lately, like the weight of something is eager to make itself known but is hiding so deep inside that I am unable to even imagine it. I don’t want to imagine it, but I am guessing it is time to do some intensive self-care outside my normal routine.

I am in a good space, my spirit feels free and my joy vibe (although altered easily) – is where I like it to be – steady with minimal lows. There are those reflections, those feelings – those abrupt guttural instincts that I am really good at targeting, in myself and others, but occasionally they get lost in the muck and chaos of life.

It’s like they are fluttering around and I am unable to catch them, hold onto them – make them mine so I can dissect and release them.

I am dependent on purging my mental weight, and when I feel uneasy about something, I know immediately that I need to refocus my center and find my calm.

It is in these moments though, when I can’t put a finger on it, that I need to remind myself that I am an empath, an ambivert, and highly sensitive person – that even the smallest jarring to my emotional stability can cause me to question things and unravel – but I am feeling very strong lately – even while I am feeling unsure – this is a good sign – it means GROWTH.

I have surprised myself time and time again this last year especially, that even when I’m in a triggering moment – I can maintain my anxiety and frantic.

Sure, I still struggle, I still have manic episodes and can easily forget my strength – but in this tiny moment, when I know there is something unsettling within me – I am able to own it, know that I am safe, and find comfort that I will eventually figure things out.

I am in control, and that is not tiny – that is an enormous win.