6 Reasons I’m Pretty Sure Kristen From Vanderpump Rules Is Gonna Die Soon

Vanderpump Rules is probably the best show on television (in my personal opinion which is based on the three shows that I watch) and the third season is the best yet. Tom has found happiness with Ariana, Scheana’s about to get married and Jax’s new nose is healing wonderfully. But babe? I am getting SO worried about Kristen. If the producers had to readminister the psych test that everyone on reality TV has to take before they put them in front of the cameras, there’s basically no way she’d pass. She’s delusional, sloppy and mean. And it’s sad.

I’ve never been under the impression that reality producers give a shit about the talent (LOL), but I feel like we’re a split second away from hearing that Kristen has pulled a murder-suicide situation with James in front of Tom and Ariana’s WeHo one bedroom. And why more emphasis wasn’t put on the following six signs that she’s truly losing it is beyond me.

Her drinking is worse than ever

If you confronted Kristen about her drinking, she’d likely tell you that everybody on the cast is drinking like 80%+ of the time that the camera are rolling. She’d claim that she’s no worse than anybody else and that she gets a bad edit. But it’s not that she drinks all the time, it’s that her drunkenness seems to have taken on a new form. She gets that cool, steady type of wasted that only big time drinkers seem to get. In the scene this week where she spit a bottle of Sauvi Blanc at a DINER with Tom’s supposed Miami mistress, she was clearly hammered upon arrival. However instead of being a little sloppy or extroverted like a normal drinker who overserved their nerves, she was slow, deliberate and… alcoholic-y. There’s really no other way to say it. The girl just comes off like a hardcore boozer who is either processing everything she sees and hears through a white wine filter or going off the fucking handle when her hazy judgment inevitably fails her.

She’s in a serious relationship… as revenge.

When she offered to break up with James if that would help Tom break up with Ariana, that answered any questions I had about the authenticity of her feelings for him. I’m sure that Kristen and James have sexual intercourse and say I love you and all that shit that makes it all feel so real to both of them, but he’s 22, she’s 30-something and completely obsessed with facilitating the demise ex-boyfriend’s current relationship. I actually just feel kind of sad for her in that respect—it’s so obvious that she’s fucking clueless when it comes to who she is and what life means when she’s not in a relationship.

She’s regressing rapidly

The woman never really seemed like she had her shit together, but she has this chilling childlike quality this season. She says, “happy looks good on me,” but her uncomfortable forced laughing (have we EVER seen her laugh before this year?), shit-stirring playground antics and that sexy carwash scene make me think that she’s confusing “happy” with “mental illness” and “good” with “super troubling, actually.”

She shows no signs of understanding that she has a problem

Kristen is right and everybody else is wrong and they’re going to realize that one day and they’re going to pay! Not once has she mentioned seeking some sort of healthy avenue to deal with her break up from Tom. Not once has she said anything like, “Maybe I’m the one that’s nuts, but __________.” She hasn’t even suggested that there might be something wrong with the way she’s dealing with ANYTHING.

She can’t stop fucking up at work

Hon? I know she needs to be there for the show, but can’t this bitch let her drama play out during the party/apartment scenes and keep the truly buckwild shit out of SUR? We all know that they’re not there to just serve tables and are likely told to take time to gossip by the POS station and at the bar, but she never tones it down. She’s like five margarita’s deep trying to ruin people’s lives in the middle of a Saturday dinner shift. I wish Lisa would quit suspending her and tell her that she can stay, but only if she gets serious help. Behavior modification therapy and a weekend at a TM seminar or something.

It’s NEVER her fault

The classic. Yes, she slept with her ex’s best friend (who also happened to be HER best friend’s ex) and yes, she lied to everyone about it, but their relationship was bad! Her ex cheated on her first! Her BFF isn’t perfect, either! Everyone at SUR lies! And besides, even if any of that was her fault, what everyone else at work is doing is so much worse! I mean, so what if she had sex with someone else while her boyfriend slept in the next room—have you heard that Katie “motorboated a dick?”