It Is I, The Perpetually Single Friend Who Won’t Stop Giving Dating Advice!

HEY! It is I, the perpetually single friend who won’t stop giving dating advice! No one has ever loved me and vice versa, but I’m gonna tell you this right now: leave him! Or I’ll switch things up and let you know that YOU. DESERVE. BETTER. That’s what I’m supposed to say, right? That’s what I saw in The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants. OH, AND I’LL TEXT YOU THIS IN ALL CAPS TOO SO YOU KNOW I’M INVESTED IN YOUR LOVE LIFE. After all, I don’t have one of my own, hahaha. I’m lonely!

I hear your relationship is getting a little tricky? Don’t worry, I’m here for you even though you never asked me to be! I closely followed the course of Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian’s relationship so I know a thing or two about fucked up situations.

Again, I know you never really asked me what I thought, but don’t worry. I’m here to give you my unsolicited, totally unrelated and uninformed opinion anyway. Because that’s what good friends do. I mean, yeah, I haven’t been on a date in like 26 years and probably couldn’t (read: couldn’t) tell you the first thing about a healthy relationship but I have some thoughts that you’re going to hear whether you like it or not. These vary, but include:

• Just be honest with your feelings
• If he wants you, you’ll know
• Guys are dicks, dude
• You can do better!!!
• Love is patient, love is kind
• Ugh wanna get drunk on wine or something
• He’s not worth your time
• Do you like him or just the idea of him? *sips wine as if this has never been said before*
• “You is kind, you is smart, you is important”

I’m so glad we had this talk and I’m sure it really helped you. I really hope you learned something from my wisdom about something I’ve never even experienced and at this rate probably never will!

So back to the most important order of business: are you gonna finish your fries?