I’m Just A Girl Standing In Front Of A La Croix Asking It To Be A Beer

Listen:

I’ve heard a lot of good things about you. You’re zero calories. You have some carbonation. You apparently are supposed to taste good (or like anything at all). You don’t make me fat. But, like…who cares??????

You aren’t beer and never will be.

You have no substance and don’t make me drunk. I don’t get the point even if your branding is cute. I know all my writer friends and the entire Thought Catalog staff will disown me for writing this, but I just need to be honest.

La Croix fucking sucks, don’t fight me on this. You know it’s true.

I don’t care if an IPA is 200 goddamn calories. It is tasty and fun. It makes people more interesting after you have five and it’s bitter like my heart. I also sound 10 times cooler when I talk about hops and Michigan’s booming craft beer economy, let’s be real. What can you say about La Croix, it has cool and twisty typography? It has 36 non-flavors? Yawn.

La Croix is the men of sparkling waters: underwhelming and disappointing.

I tried it and I literally do not get the hype. Everyone is always raving about it, and I just don’t understand. It’s sort of fizzy, I guess. Tbh, I’d rather drink regular water like a peasant even if it makes my Instagram feed less hip. I can always add lemon wedges and pretend I’m a wellness blogger or at least didn’t chug seven vodka sodas the night before.

As the saying goes, we only accept the La Croix we think we deserve. And I know my worth and it’s in the form of a pilsner, not Peach-Pear.

So this is me, just a girl, standing in front of a La Croix, asking it to be a beer. Begging it to be better, different, or at least contain some alcohol. Sure, I could add it myself, but that takes effort I am not willing to expend when I could just grab a Miller Lite.

Stop settling for crappy fizzy water, my friends. You deserve more.