15 Life Tips From Jenna Marbles

I have an embarrassing confession: I love Jenna Marbles. For the tragically unfamiliar, Jenna Marbles is a hot girl on YouTube who weekly bestows genius pearls of life advice on her viewers while wearing a turtle backpack and balancing cute dogs on her chest. This obviously makes her my role model. So in honor of Sexual Wednesday (video day!), here are fifteen pertinent tips as taught by Jenna that have made my life, as well as the lives of others, much easier and more awesome in general.

1. Everyone loves adorable animals. It doesn’t matter what ridiculous thing you’re doing as long as your adorable animals are doing it with you. Just look at the Internet if you need proof.
2. Don’t let cosmetic companies sucker you into spending money on fancy skincare crap — a chili facemask is amazingly good for the complexion and way cheaper. As is a peanut butter facemask. In fact, whatever is in your fridge will probably make a good facemask.
3. Speaking of skin, your skin can do optical illusions! Copious amounts of bronzer = the mysterious way to a slimmer face and bigger boobs. In fact, copious amounts of bronzer can make you a whole new person.
4. When you’re going on a date, make sure to pack a sandwich. He’ll probably ask you to make one for him anyway.
5. If you can’t get some annoying rando to stop talking to you, you’re not trying hard enough. There is always a way to get some annoying rando to stop talking to you. If that doesn’t work, plank on the ground and soil yourself. Hey, no one said it was easy.
6. Hang your master’s degree over that crack in the wall; since that’s the only practical use you’ll ever get out of it.
7. If you can’t afford to go on vacation to some amazing tropical locale, put thirteen bathing suits on rotation and go swimming in your bathtub. God gave you an imagination; use it.
8. All it really takes to be good looking is bleach, spray tan, three inches of eye makeup and a cavalier attitude. But if you don’t have the energy to do all that, feel free to just get drunk.
9. Speaking of, your makeup looks exactly the same when you do it drunk as when you do it sober, so long as you stand at least five feet away from whoever might be looking at you.
10. The landshark is the clear solution to every awkward situation. If you’ve never gotten the urge to do the landshark, you’ve obviously never felt awkward enough.
11. If you’re embarrassingly bad at baking, just take your top off. Everyone will be too distracted by your boobs to even notice the awfulness of your raw egg moosemeat pie.
12. Screw self-help books – all you really need to do to change your life is change your underwear.
13. Make sure your bra and underwear match if you want today to be the best day of your life.
14. If you’ve already eaten that piece of chocolate, might as well go ahead and have those fifteen cheeseburgers. It’s okay; it’ll be different tomorrow.
15. If you don’t want to be treated like a pair of tits and a vagina, don’t act like you’re entitled to things just because you have a pair of tits and a vagina.