Here Is Your Horoscope For Today
Your Birthday Today
A most inauspicious year is in store for you.
Consider sitting this one out.
If you must expose yourself, do so
in a way where you can easily affix
blame to others. Inner peace eludes you.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 — Jan. 19)
Relatives cast suspicious eye towards
your extremely modest success. Motives will be questioned
by those most close to you. Continue to shirk responsibility
but in a way that isn’t easily questioned.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb 18)
Finally the monkey is off your back. Make a big purchase today
regardless of your ability to pay. You deserve rewards in spite
of what others say.
Pisces (Feb. 19 — March 20)
Today shows tremendous promise. Just not for you.
Try a different excuse when calling out sick. Coworkers are
wise to you.
Aries (March 21 — April 19)
Have you been putting off
an important decision or project?
Continue procrastination beyond
deadline and then foist issue upon
spouse or lover. Or both.
Taurus (April 20 — May 20)
Look for hidden meaning from
talking head pundit. Hint: He’s on FOX
and cries. A lot. Heed his advice and by his book.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Make the first move. Don’t wait for a signal.
Leap, don’t bother looking. Avoid action at grave peril.
Cancer (June 21 — July 22)
You finally catch a break. Double down and
take the risk you’ve been avoiding.
People in your position don’t
have much to lose.
Leo (July 23 — Aug. 22)
Clean your refrigerator.
Do it now.
Really.
Virgo (Aug. 23 — Sept. 22)
Doubt consumes you.
Maybe it should.
Maybe it should not.
Libra (Sept. 23 — Oct. 22)
You are inspired
by an ingenious plan.
Inspiration continues
to frighten you. Wait
until your are certain.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Today is well suited
for mating
with other
people.
Tests prove negative.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Listen to the voices
inside your head.
They speak to you
for a reason.
Now is not the time for debate. 
