What Your Sex Life Is Like, According To The Zodiac

Astrology is a funny thing.

Updated 7 years ago, September 15, 2017

Astrology is a funny thing. I personally don’t believe in it, but when I see horoscopes posted somewhere, I always check mine out. If it’s a good horoscope, I act like I just won something; If it’s a bad horoscope, I remind myself that I don’t believe in that stuff anyway and convince myself that I’m not scared at all.

The whole concept is kind of weird. Based on what time of year you were born, the stars have some sort of outcome on the events in your life. Hopefully, the stars take leap years into account, or else our calendar is going to be totally out sync with their calendar.

Well, it turns out that time of year might actually have an effect on your behavior after all… But it has less to do with the stars and more to do with how environmental conditions affect pregnancies.

Scientists aren’t sure exactly why, but there are correlations between certain seasons and certain behavior patterns. Basically, I don’t really know what they’re talking about, because I’m not a scientist and don’t understand science.

From what I can gather, and this is probably wrong, scientists are saying that astrology is completely true. Based on this, here’s how I assume each astrological symbol affects each person’s love and sex life:

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

The symbol for Aries is the ram. That pretty much says all it has to about your sex life. We’d tell you to calm it down, but that’s not what rams do. Not at all.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’re a proud, majestic lover, unless somebody waves a red flag at you. Then you go crazy. You can’t explain it, there’s just something about that makes you lose control.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

If you’re a Gemini, otherwise known as the twins, then you’re super into three-ways. It’s a hard life to manage, but if you can pull it off then you’re doing great.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

When you say you’re into long walks on the beach, you really mean it. You love to do everything — and we mean everything — at the beach. You also like to do it under the covers because they feel like a nice protective shell.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

People have always called you the leader of the pack, and it’s definitely true in the bedroom. The only problem is, most states won’t legalize polygamy, so your options on where to live are extremely limited.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

The stars just want you to be lonely, apparently. Virgo’s symbol is the virgin. One way to look at is that you’re pure. Another way to look at it is everyone else lucked out but you.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Your love life’s all about balance. Just make sure you find a partner who’s also into balance, because falling during the act can cause some seriously embarrassing injuries.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Your look at sex like a hunt. Which is not a good way to look at sex. If you’re a Scorpio, you might want to call the police and just give them a heads up. Seriously, you’re freaking everyone out.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Taylor Swift is a Sagittarius, so you’ll apparently never find true love. The upside though is that each heartbreak will work out very well for you financially. So well, in fact, that people will become suspicious about how broken your heart actually is.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You’re the goat, which unfortunately refers to the animal and not the “greatest of all time.” Garbage turns you on for some strange reason, but so does doing it on the side of a very steep mountain. You’re surprisingly skilled at balancing yourself in that situation.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You’re the best ever and everyone wants to be with you. That’s totally what the stars say! I’m not just saying that because I’m writing this and I happen to be an Aquarius.