I Don’t Know How To Just Be Friends With You

I know I agreed to this. I know it’s for the best. But what I don’t know is how to just be friends with you. Not yet; not while I’m still so in love with you.

I wish more than anything that I could just detach and be able to be casual, to not have any expectations. And I know that someday I will be, but that day is not today. I can’t pretend to just be your friend when my heart craves so much more. I thought I’d rather have some of you than none of you, but all I can think about are the parts of you that are no longer mine.

I have to give myself time. I wish this could work for me like it’s working for you, but the difference is that you’ve already moved on. Even if you say you still feel things for me, you don’t love me like I love you. Not anymore. Not like you used to. And that’s all it takes for this to be unfair.

I don’t want to cut you out. I want to share in your life and have you share in mine, but not while I am still longing to play a bigger part in it. Not while I still fall asleep to the thought of you. Not while I still close my eyes and see yours, the way you used to look at me.

Getting over you is going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. And I don’t say this to make you feel badly, but because I want you to know just how much you mean to me and how much you deserve someone to love you. I hope you never settle for less. I hope someday you find someone who will love you for your music, for your sandwich making skills, for the silly noises and faces you make when you tell stories. I hope you find someone who will watch you draw all day and be in complete awe that you exist and that they’ve found you. I hope you find someone who tells you every single day how much they love you and how grateful they are to be with someone so kind, generous, thoughtful, loving, poetic, compassionate, clever, devilishly handsome, and oh-so-beautifully human.

I hope you find someone who makes you believe that you can do hard things and that you can do great things. But above all that, I hope you find this same amount of love for yourself.

No one is more deserving of your love than you.