I Thought You Were Saving Me, But You Were Drowning Me

You were like a train colliding into me, I saw it coming but it never justified the actual feeling. It never got close to the sensation you were bound to unleash unto me. It never warned me that you would feel this way, that we would feel this way.

That you would feel like shelter after the storm, all while being the hurricane and the monsoon itself. Always threatening to undo me, always threatening to rip the buttons off my coats and taking my breath from my lips. But you feel like home, all while feeling like you came into my oasis and stole all the best parts of me. I gave you everything I have, I welcomed you into my sanctuary thinking you would share heaven with me, but you pulled me down, drowning me, pushing me farther into the waves. Only you would drown me and make me feel like you were saving me.

None of it even matters.

Escaping you was necessary.

Tearing myself away from you was every pain I had ever experienced all in one. All while reminding myself that you were not the antidote you appeared to be, but the poison. And even when I felt you working your liquid venom down my throat, even when I began to feel it weakening me instead of making me stronger, I stayed. And I wish that made me a lover instead of a fool. And I wish things could have ended differently, even though you were never worth my love.

You broke me and you made it look effortless. You took my heart like it was made for you and dropped it like it was easy. And even now, as I pick up the shattered glass that was left of my heart, I wish I could say I hate you. But I don’t. I would give you every chance to fix things, to patch the holes in our relationship you alone created, if you tried. If you called, if you came, if you gave me the slightest inclination that you ever cared.

But I won’t hold my breath. I won’t wait for a day that will never come.