I Saw ‘Trainwreck’ So You Don’t Have To

It’s been about eight months since I have willingly gone to a theater to watch a movie. I’m not a big movie buff – but every now and then, some trailer gets stuck in my brain, and I have to indulge. Kind of like a Chipotle craving. It won’t go away until you just do it.

And so I set a reminder in my Google Calendar for Amy Schumer’s new movie “Trainwreck”. I anticipated the release for weeks – certain it would be hysterical and worthy of an afternoon showing. On this particular Saturday afternoon, it was 94 degrees with 86% humidity. A movie theater seemed like the only safe and sane place to be.

I definitely LOL’d for the first 30 minutes. Not the “I went shopping and nothing fit, so I bought liquor” kind of LOL – but the genuine gut kind. The “OH MY GOD, SHE DID NOT” kind. But that was the only LOL-ing to be had the rest of the film. Things took a nosedive about the time that Amy’s “Ice Statue” pseudo-boyfriend was insulting a stranger with not-so-subtle homosexual innuendos. What was supposed to come across as funny just struck me as sad. With the recent triumph of marriage equality…it seemed a bit insensitive to not cut a scene that unjustly tells the story of an epitomized, masculine man clearly struggling with homo-erotic feelings. One, maybe two, jokes…but an entire scene devoted to it? When we should have been spending time telling the very disjointed love story of Amy and Dr. Aaron Conners (Bill Hader)?

For the fear of sounding like I have a personal agenda dedicated to Love Wins…I’ll attack the lack of basic “good movie” fundamentals. Such as – character development. One minute, Amy is a non-emotional, sex-craving, semi-Trap Queen. She’s witty and street smart – just lacks some of the loyalty aspects. But dare I say, she is loyal to herself. She does what she wants, when she wants to do it. Resourceful. Real. In sex-craving fashion, she goes home with the doctor she has been researching for an article – because she wanted some. And she was gonna get hers. My notions about Amy are all confirmed…up until the scene with her sister, where she says she really likes him.

What.

There is no development as to why. What made this guy different? Where was the spark? She still slept with him on the first date and tried to leave. She did her thing, seduced him, got hers, and then wanted to go home and eat some pizza (most likely). Even though she does break her rule and spend the night – she does so in utter disdain. Falling to sleep with her eyes still mid-roll from disgust. And then boom: “I really like him.”

And then there’s Dr. Aaron calling her the next day to say he had a great time.

Did he? All evidence points to the contrary. It was probably the first time he had been laid in months (years?), so it appears he is calling Amy and giving her the “I had a good time” speech for the same reason most (read: most) men in my life have ever called me back. They wanted to get laid again.

Maybe I am missing the romanticism of even that type of story line. Girl who just wants sex gives guy sex, and he calls back for just sex, and then they magically fall in love. That story line is fine with me – but then it’s Judd Apatow’s fault for neglecting the “magic” and “fall in love” part.

After the movie ended, my friend and I wanted our two hours back. Or at least we wanted the two hours that had been promised to us: a badass chick lives a great life, and finds someone just as badass as her, worthy of her time and attention. We only read the Rotten Tomatoes reviews AFTER the fact: and it appears I am the only one that feels robbed by this trailer. Quite literally. Did anyone else notice that half of the scenes from the trailer are not actually in the film? Maybe this happens all the time in movies, and I am just too naïve to notice. But maybe that also says volumes about how blatantly obvious these trailer-to-movie blunders are…

Disclaimer: I love Amy Schumer. I love her words, her confidence, her body-positivity, her stance on anti-slut-shaming, and the way she is disrupting modern comedy for both males and females. I love the idea behind this movie. But in execution, something didn’t pan out. I don’t think the blame goes to any one person – unless we can find the paper trail from the critics that gave this movie Five Stars. Because there is no way they weren’t paid off.

I will continue to support Amy Schumer, and will gladly watch future films that she appears in. But do yourself a favor, and watch her Drunken Chopped parody on loop instead. Because “Trainwreck” will just leave you feeling confused, and maybe even slightly angry. And in the mood for Chipotle.