Just A Few Of The Weird-Ass Things To Expect When You’re Expecting
You will miss drugs.
I’m not talking about crack cocaine or black tar heroin. I’m talking about the everyday drugs like caffeine and alcohol you’ll be encouraged to either give up altogether or moderate, depending on your friend group. If you happen to catch a cold or virus while pregnant, you will definitely miss the over-the-counter meds we all pop without second thought when feeling under the weather. You can’t possibly understand how awesome NyQuil is until you’re suffering a sleepless, sniffly, stuffy-headed night of no sleep thanks to the growing parasite in your belly that you’re not supposed to taint with any meds.
You will have to re-learn how to have sex.
Sex during pregnancy can be great. Orgasming is one of the few pleasures remaining for a pregnant lady who can’t get drunk, can’t eat sushi whenever she wants, and can’t really shop for anything other than shapeless tent dresses. The problem is that you can’t rely on the same old tricks to get off. Thanks to your growing belly, certain positions will inevitably be off limits. Plus, your insides will feel different. Advise your significant other to take things really slowly and listen to your body as you figure things out.
Your body will change in some totally unexpected ways.
It’s not just your belly that morphs during pregnancy. Other areas like your boobs and butt are bound to expand, too. Got a thigh gap? Expect it to close! That adorable innie belly button you’ve grown to love? Wait til it inverts! And those dainty little feet? Expect them to expand, my dear. Oh, and don’t underestimate your body’s ability to sprout pimples in strange places. Every single inch of your figure—from forehead to clavicle and upper thighs—is fair game for change. On the upside, it’s likely that your hair will thicken into a gloriously lionlike mane (at least until you give birth, at which point you will probably shed every single additional lock because that’s the tax for holding your baby irl after nine months of hell or something).
You will experience some very odd sensations.
Ticklish butthole? Itchy elbows? Restless leg syndrome? Bloated beyond belief? Suddenly unable to withhold a fart in a crowded elevator? All part of the beauty of building a tiny human! Your body is going through a lot of changes that can manifest in a string of unprecedented ways. When you’re with child, the sight of a yellow plate might just make your stomach turn. And your partner’s gentle snoring might sound like a volcanic eruption. In addition to all the hormones coursing through your veins, your senses are heightened during pregnancy, which means that the way you experience your surrounding environment is suddenly way different.
You will be peeing, like, a lot.
As your belly gets bigger, your fetus pushes against your bladder more and more, making that nagging need-to-pee urge pretty much constant. And not just during the day! You won’t understand what peeing a lot feels like until you’re actually getting up five times a night, minimum, to relieve yourself. Sleeping in segments isn’t fun, but maybe it’s Mo’ Nature’s way of preparing you for breastfeeding your newborn every two hours during those first few sleepless weeks!
You will be peeing your pants a lot, too.
When you’re pregnant, every cough, giggle, and sneeze quickly becomes an opportunity to wet yourself. There’s a special term for pissing while sneezing that you’ll learn to love-hate: SNISSING. Try as you might to strengthen that pelvic floor, the reality is that those muscles are being pressured like crazy from above. Don’t be afraid to change your panties five times a day.
You will poop at super strange times.
Think you know your bowel movements inside and out? Think again! Since your digestive system slows during pregnancy to give your baby time to suck up all the nutrients it needs, you probably won’t be pooping as often as you’d like. You might even get constipated for several days on end! Also, once that long-awaited poop finally arrives, all the pushing it takes to get it out could very well give you hemorrhoids. Just another perk of being a fertile woman!
There will be a slew of traumatizing moments.
From the day your regular clothes stop fitting way before you think they will to the day you notice how much darker your nipples are to the day your partner makes a casual comment about your bulging belly, you will be traumatized again and again and again. The hits keep coming when you’re pregnant!
But there will be plenty of joyous moments, too.
The thing is, as shitty as pregnancy can be, there are just enough awesome moments to make it all seem worthwhile. For example, that first kick (or was it gas?), the first time your partner feels the baby move, learning the sex (if you choose to), when people start giving up their seats for you, and when strangers start volunteering their own birth stories. These moments will make you smile wide with maternal pride. There really are countless small but important milestones to check off the list and you will feel grateful for each an every single one of them because they will remind you that what you’re doing—building a life!!!—is pretty fucking sweet and that you’re special because you’re a female who’s doing her part to further the human race.
You’re going to get used to it all—cause you’ve got to.
Luckily, you’re programmed to do this. You are more than capable, and you can count on your biology to make even the most frustrating moments seem enjoyable, or at least somewhat bearable. 
