58 Weird Things I’ve Googled Since I Got Pregnant

1. What’s the deal with cord blood?

2. How does the fetus move around so much without getting tangled in the cord?

3. Are there really any benefits to eating the placenta?

4. Isn’t placenta eating kind of cannibalistic?

5. Isn’t cannibalism how Mad Cow disease started?

6. What can pregnant women eat without feeling guilty and/or getting the stink eye from a stranger?

7. Why is it okay for regular people to ingest all the mercury that’s supposedly in the fish we’re all eating?

8. Do pregnant French women eat soft cheeses?

9. Do pregnant Japanese women eat sushi?

10. What’s the small-brained baby disease called?

11. Is there Zika in Florida?

12. Is there Zika in Texas?

13. Is there Zika in Georgia?

14. Can I get Zika from someone without having sex with them?

15. Is Zika bad for my baby after it’s born or just while it’s baking in the womb?

16. When does an embryo become a fetus?

17. When does my pregnancy become “viable”?

18. What are the chances I’ll miscarry?

19. What are the chances I’ll have a stillborn baby?

20. What are the chances that my baby is a hermaphrodite?

21. Why do “clean” household cleaners suck so much?

22. Is using Windex on a glass surface really going to hurt my baby?

23. Why are my boobs so engorged months before the baby’s even born?

24. What’s with all the vagina goo during pregnancy?

25. Why does pregnant sex feel so weird?

26. When will I start to feel my baby move?

27. How do you know if it’s gas or a kick?

28. How many weeks pregnant is Amal Clooney?

29. How long will it take to get my body back after giving birth?

30. Am I definitely going to poop during childbirth?

31. Why do some women refuse an epidural?

32. Like, seriously, WHY?

33. What’s the actual law regarding public breastfeeding?

34. What’s the point of giving birth in water?

35. What’s a doula?

36. What does a doula do?

37. How much does a doula cost?

38. Is a doula worth it?

39. At what point are people going to start asking if they can touch my belly?

40. What’s the best way to tell a stranger who wants to touch your belly to please fuck off?

41. How long will it take all my organs to find their way back to their original places after giving birth?

42. Is it bad if my bump is kind of lopsided?

43. How much do women outside the U.S. drink during pregnancy?

44. Why do people in the U.S. insist on swaddling their babies?

45. Is putting your baby in a mini straightjacket really all that beneficial?

46. How much coffee can I drink while pregnant?

47. What is a mamaroo and why do I need one?

48. What are the top baby must-haves I need to buy before my child is born?

49. How quickly does a newborn grow out of a onesie?

50. What exactly is spitting up and how often does it happen?

51. Is it true that newborns can’t breathe out of their mouths?

52. If newborns can only breathe out of their noses, wtf happens when they get congested in the middle of the night?

53. At what age will my baby sleep through the night?

54. What is sleep training?

55. What are the major first year milestones I need to look out for?

56. What is toxemia?

57. What is attachment parenting and why the hell does anyone do it?

58. How do I avoid raising an asshole?