10 Common Sources Of Sexual Insecurity Every Woman Secretly Struggles With

1. Do I smell okay down there?

There’s a moment right between the sliding off of panties and the burying of a new lover’s face between a woman’s legs when she’s likely to wonder: “Will he like the way I smell?” It doesn’t matter how body confident she is, or how often she showers. When the guy we’re dating first takes the oral sex plunge, we all tend to wonder how they’re going to respond to our particular aroma.

2. Do I have a nice looking vagina?

When a dude first gets a glimpse of our goods, we also inevitably wonder whether he likes our specific pink package. Even if we’re wise enough to know that our lady parts are normal because clitorises, vaginal lips, and sex holes come in all different shapes and sizes, we want to know if someone likes the way ours looks. The typical woman relishes a compliment about her personality, her brains, or her beautiful eyes, but she also values vaginal flattery highly.

3. Am I getting looser?

Men can’t do much about the size of their penis, but at least they know what they’ve got to work with over the course of their entire adult lives. Women, on the other hand, have to wonder about the evolution of their vaginal canal with each passing year they’re sexually active. Sex is awesome, except that more sex inevitably loosens things up. And then there’s the whole issue of giving birth, which requires pushing something the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a lemon, and does not bode well for maintaining a taut vagina. We could do kegel exercises all day every day and still worry about how tight we are (or aren’t).

4. Can I fit enough of him in my mouth?

We all hear guys talk about “deep throating” as if its some magical power possessed by a select group of super females. So on top of navigating the unfamiliar territory of a penis and balls and figuring out that “blowjob” is a total misnomer, we also get to agonize over whether or not we’re physically capable of swallowing enough of a man’s dick without triggering our gag reflex to make him happy. Exactly how far a woman’s lips have to make it down a man’s shaft to give good head probably depends upon how good she is with her hands. But who really knows?

5. Do I really have to swallow?

Women are led to believe that a blowjob’s greatness depends in part upon her willingness to swallow man milk instead of dodging volcanic spurts of semen. There must be something satisfying about knowing that those little tadpole-esque DNA carriers make it inside a woman one way or another. We understand this, and yet, most of us aren’t always in the mood to swallow, especially after a big meal. Unfortunately, the consequence of not swallowing is questioning whether the work we’ve put into blowing is inevitably offset by our hesitance to guzzle the entire human protein shake. Does it really matter if we spit?

6. Is he actually thinking about me while we have sex?

This question crosses many women’s minds as they look into the eyes of their partner during sex. It’s not that we expect to star in every single one of our lover’s fantasies while he’s masturbating, or that we’re foolish enough to think our boyfriend or husband doesn’t have a serious virtual relationship with a few Internet porn stars. However, we’d like to believe that while our body is entangled with his, he’s not secretly envisioning someone else’s breasts, nipples, or thighs. Since we can’t read minds (and no man is stupid enough to admit that he’s thinking about someone else mid-sex, if asked directly), there’s no way to get the reassurance we covet, so we’ll probably wonder about this every so often forever.

7. Why doesn’t this position work for me?

It’s confusing and upsetting to try out a sexual position everyone raves about only to discover that for you, it’s super painful. When something everyone praises disappoints, we can fall into the trap of wondering what’s wrong with us. Next, we might fret over depriving our partner of pleasure because we just can’t get behind “the sphinx,” “the plow,” or “the deckchair.” But just as vulvas vary widely in appearance, women’s internal reproductive organs come in all different colors, shapes, and sizes. So do penises. So as much as we want to enjoy “the lazy dog” because we’ve heard it’s amazing, what works for some genital pairs doesn’t work for others. That’s life.

8. Are my orgasms as intense as they should be?

Most women aren’t left with much physical evidence that they’ve orgasmed. Maybe we experience an involuntary spasm, get a little wetter, and/or develop a contented afterglow grin, but what’s missing (except in the case of the rumored squirter) is a handful of sticky goo to prove, without a doubt, that we’ve climaxed. Lack of ejaculation might come in handy for those inclined to fake it, but otherwise, it’s frustrating. How are we supposed to measure our own pleasure? To know for sure that we’ve experienced the most intense orgasm our body can manage?

9. Am I going to leak?

It’s sexy to fall asleep naked after sex, either alongside a guy or intertwined with his limbs. But there’s always a chance that something will trickle out of a woman’s vagina during the night—onto a guy’s sheets, or his legs. This can be troubling early on in a relationship, before we’re completely comfortable with someone. Will a little discharge creep him out? Is he super weird about his bed linens? Hopefully not, but you never can know for sure.

10. How do I compare to a porn star?

Most men watch pornography. Modern women appreciate this because many of us indulge in porn ourselves, but we also feel a certain amount of pressure as a result of understanding just how widespread X-rated content is. We wonder whether we can measure up to the professionals, who have mastered advanced sex moves through practice. We know that porn is staged, and that almost every moan is exaggerated, but the perfectionist in us wants to be the best.