The 16 Stages Of A Girls’ Night Out

A few days prior: An email chain with your girlfriends is started in the attempts to try and get a plan going for the weekend. You add the friends that you can actually stand to be around for a full night (you know, all 2 of them), and send along a list of places that you saw on Yelp 4 months ago. One person always suggests staying in to watch movies instead, and you immediately kick that person out of the chain because of their negativity. We’re going out, biatch.

3:00PM (the day of): Another chain of emails is exchanged with a bountiful of OMGZ and I’M SO EXCITED FOR LATERSSSS xxxx. You stare at the clock for what feels like 56 years, when in reality only 14 seconds has passed, and now you must try your hardest not to face plant onto your desk or fake a chronic case of diarrhea to leave early.

7:00PM: You’re standing in the middle of your room, staring at your closet, wondering WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE GOING TO WEAR. “We’re going to this really cute place for tapas first, but then we’re going to that dive bar in Murray Hill where Sally knows the bartender”, you inform your cat. “But I just know Jen, and I just know she’ll end up dragging us to the East Village to go see her pot dealer and I can’t wear the same outfit to the pot dealer as I am to the cute tapas place. I’ll wear jeans. Jeans are safe. Jeans say I’m here for tapas, but I’m also here to party. Oh! And I’ll wear that cute new blouse from J.Crew and pair it with that necklace that I bought the other day. PERFECT.”

8:15PM: You leave your apartment wearing a bondage dress from Bebe and heels you bought from Nordstrom’s semi-annual sale.

9:00PM: You tell your friends you’re really not going to drink that much tonight. Maybe a margarita or two. Maybe you’ll throw in a lemon drop shot for good measure. You have your shit together and have spin class in the morning. And everyone knows that Saturday morning spinning classes are reserved for people who have their shit together. No hangover for you!

10:15PM: You and your gUrLs are four Patron margarita’s in, and the bartender that Sally knows is currently mixing up a round of shots that the random guys at the end of the bar ordered for you. They approach your group to “see wat up” but you ignore them because hey! Its freaking girls night OUT and you’re only hanging out with your GIRLS. No random hook ups for any of you!

11:00PM: Jen is hookup up with one of the guys and Sally is totally freaking out because she has a boyfriend and girls with boyfriends just can’t be around this sort of thing. You contemplate shaking Sally until she stops speaking but then realize its probably illegal, and jail would totally get in the way of your GIRLS NIGHT OUT!

12:17AM: You’re over this bar and you’re pretty sure Jen gave one of the other guys your number. Before you leave, one of you shouts “Lets go dance!!! My feet hurt. Who has the Yelp app?! Yelp: “places with cute guys” LOLZZZ”

12:35AM: You walk into destination number 3, and you and your friends go ca-razy because theres a dance floor and the DJ is playing Dirty Pop. “THIS IS MY SONGGGGG” is heard from every girl in the surrounding area, and another round of shots is ordered. You’re officially on your way to wasted-town and start dancing with the closest, moderately good looking guy that you can find. You’re almost positive he tried to touch your boob, twice, and you’re almost positive that you may have even awkwardly laughed in his face, but none of that matters because you’re a DANCING MACHINE and a little thing like sexual assault will not get in your way. However, Sally will get in your way, and pulls you over to her and Jen so the three of you can dance in an awkward “its girls night out don’t talk to us” circle.

2:00AM: An hour of pre-shaved-head Britney Spears later, your legs feel like they’re about to fall off. You sort of want to sit down but the seats are sticky at this place and the only one available is nestled between two people making out. Which reminds you; did you make out with that guy? Or was that just you licking the bottom of the shot glass? You’re not exactly sure, so you decide to order a vodka red-bull instead. Besides, who needs spin class after you just did all that dancing?! Certainly not you!

2:45AM: The creeper level of this place has shot from 4 to 12 in the matter of 45 minutes. You and Sally are in an intense conversation about how much you lOvE each other, how you’ll be friends forever, and that it’s okay that one time you stopped speaking because of a disagreement over which one of you would date Shane West.

4:00AM: The bar has officially made last call, and since you’re all clearly sober, you need to order 3 drinks each and down them as fast as you can. 9 Patron Margarita’s? Great! And don’t worry, ITS ON ME! I just love my girls so much, I’m going to blow all of my rent money on booze for us!

4:15AM: You strut out of the bar like the hot group of sober friends that you are, and suddenly realize its still SO EARLY and you’re SO HUNGRY. You feel hunger like you’ve never felt before (except for those 3 days in college when you had no money), and wonder if Seamless would deliver to the corner you’re standing on. You walk 6 blocks with your arms link to each other, singing (screaming) the Friends theme song, all while trying to remember exactly where that $1 pizza place is.

5:00AM: You spend the rest of the hour sitting in a pizzeria listening to Jen talk about how much of a good kisser John Dough was, scarfing down 2 slices of BBQ chicken pizza, and hoping your bandage dress doesn’t start to rip at the seams.

6AM: The sun starts to come out, and now you’re blinded by the rays of reality while walking home. You’re in a weird stage of sobering up and your hangover is starting to kick in. You make it inside and face plant into your bed while still in your semi-annual sale heels that are now permanently glued to your feet.

1:00PM: You wake up to three types of text messages:

1. “Hey! Where are you??? Spin class started already! I told Haley to hold off for a few minutes but she went ahead and began. What a bitch. She’s probably on her period. Ugh. Also – I think Roger might be proposing soon!! We had a weird convo last night. Tell you about it when you get here. Kk loves you xxxxx”

2. “Hi Honey, its mom. I’m sorry I missed your call from 2:30AM, but I was already sleeping. The cat must have stepped all over your phone again. Okay, love you sweetie, call me when you get this.”

3. “Hey, Its Joe. Your friend Jen gave me your number. What’s up?”

You swear you’re never going out again and then slowly slip back into a hangover coma.