How To Be A Woman
Be thin. Fit into a size 4 or 2 or 0. Never let your belly hang over your pants. Your abdomen should be flat and toned. Show it off in bikinis and lingerie. Have a thigh gap. Work out at an expensive gym in form-fitting clothing until your arms are long and lean and your collarbone is prominent, but don’t sweat. Eat only as much as you need to continue losing weight. Count your calories, but don’t let anyone see you care. Eat cheeseburgers on dates, and avoid starving yourself. Be healthy. Your health is the most important thing you have. Pay no attention to people who criticize your looks. Love yourself and feel beautiful, no matter your weight or size. Be proud of your body, but only wear clothing that flatters your figure. Remember you’re here to be looked at.
But don’t worry so much.
Be sexy. Wear red lipstick and short skirts, and flirt with abandon. Sip whisky and make suggestive eye contact over the rim of your drink and through thick, black lashes. Wink. Talk about sex, and demonstrate your cavalier attitude with loud laughter and boundary-pushing stories. Experiment so you know exactly what you want, but keep your number low. Make him wait until the third date. Dress modestly so he knows to respect you. Be smart and funny but not abrasive and never crass. Keep sight of your femininity. Talk quietly and giggle often. Blush. Have a busy and active social life, but make sure you leave room for romance. Cultivate and show off domestic qualities such as baking, but rise above stereotypes.
And don’t worry so much.
Be sweet. Catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Smile at dinner. Smile at strangers. Smile when you don’t want to. Never frown. Avoid anger. It’s unfeminine. Feel the gutting pain of existence, but only express it if you’re crazy. Accept the joke when someone says you are. Accept teasing. Accept compliments. Accept advances. Reject his attention if you’re a bitch, but never lead him on. See through his feigned friendship. Express your lack of interest right away, but don’t be so vain as to think everyone is interested in you. Only reject him when it’s absolutely necessary. Focus on important things like intelligence and sense of humor, but avoid superficial criteria like age or weight or money or desire. Only whores care about desire. Don’t be a whore, but don’t use “whore” as an insult.
Just don’t worry so much.
Be successful. Climb corporate ladders, shatter glass ceilings, and push your way into the boardroom. Assert yourself. Care about money and your career. Measure success in dollars and promotions. Work harder than anyone in the room. Do whatever it takes, but leave time for family. Have a husband and children, and prioritize them above all else. Keep your home life peaceful and organized, and be the all-knowing head of the family. Cook and clean and raise your children with glee. Always know what’s best for everyone. Exude warmth. Comfort your family in times of need, and be their moral compass. Keep your marriage fresh, and never let sex get stale. Maintain your appearance. Make time for friends and travel. Cultivate your own individuality. Have interests and hobbies, and read important literature. Be a well-rounded, strong, nurturing, capable, confident, virtuous, light-hearted, loving, assertive role model.
Above all, don’t worry so much. 
