You Were Lucky I Loved You

For the time I have known you, you barely showed me any piece of love. When you showed me subtle signs that you indeed cared for me, it was already something big for me. Being a hopeless romantic, of course, I was disappointed. I held back because I didn’t want to show you a lot more love than what you were able to show me.

But then, one day, I found out. You were able to love someone with all of your heart. With all of your soul. With all of you.

The moment I saw your declaration to the world about how you loved her so much and about how she changed your life, I felt my eyes sting as tears started to come. My belief that you didn’t know how to love a woman was wrong after all. The way you shared to everyone how happy you were when you got that carbonara she cooked for you, the way you looked at her and held her hands when the two of you danced the night away, and the way you were there with her on her special day to make sure she feels special made me realize that I was never really that kind of love to you.

I would dive to the depths of the oceans just to find you and be with you, but you were just looking for me at the sea while standing on the beachside.

I knew that you didn’t love me the way you loved her. I don’t even know if you loved me at all. She was like your sun, and you revolved around her light and beauty. She looked like everything you could dream of. You looked happy. You told people that you were happy.

Meanwhile, I was like the moon behind the clouds. I existed in your life, yes. But, I was always hidden. Maybe I wasn’t someone you could be proud of. Or maybe I wasn’t enough for you to tell people about. Maybe I wasn’t able to live up to your standards, and I wasn’t able to fill up the shoes she left empty. She was lucky because she was loved by you, and you were, at one point, my sun. I don’t know what happened to you both, and why destiny didn’t bring you to be with each other until the end.

She was lucky, but you were lucky too. You were lucky because you were loved by someone like me. I looked at you every time I could, and all I could think of was that I could give you the world. I loved you like nothing else mattered, and I loved you without caring what people would say. I loved you simply because I loved you, and it was the purest love I could offer to someone.

The fact that I wasn’t much to you hurt like hell, and I felt it piercing through me. I wasn’t worth something to someone who meant the world to me. I knew I was worth it, but I just don’t know how to make you see my worth. I didn’t know how to make you love me. In the end, it was easy for you to leave.

I would always ask myself where I went wrong, what I lack, what I wasn’t able to do, or what I should have done. I would dig through me and look for every single mistake I could have made and if it was enough for you to leave. I will always wonder about how things could have been different now if I didn’t make all those mistakes, whatever they were. In the end, I realized that you will still leave me, because you didn’t love me the way you loved her.

The moment I looked into your eyes again after a long time, I told myself, “I could have given you the world.” You decided to let me go and in the end, I realized that I didn’t really lose anything because I lost someone who didn’t love me. With you, there was no love to lose. But you… You lost something. You lost someone who loved you. You lost the love that was offered to you. You lost me. And if ever you will ask yourself if you were worth something to anyone, I hope you know that at one point, you meant the whole world to me.