Let Me Be Your Space Captain, Please

It is with great interest that I write to you (again) in regards to the position of space captain on the Mars One vessel. I know what you’re thinking: “That position does not exist.”

By Max Knoblauch

Updated 12 years ago, February 16, 2013

Something of a comic series.

The non profit venture “Mars one” is sending people to Mars in 2023 to start a human colony. Here’s the exciting part: anyone can apply and you don’t have to be qualified at all. This is literally the perfect (only) chance I have to fulfill my lifelong dream of being historically important. Note to whoever decides these things, please consider this my application for space captain.

Space Captain Hiring Coordinator
Mars One
The Internet

Dear Hiring Coordinator:

I know that this is the ninth application you will have received from me, and from the growing violence in your rejection letters, I can see that you are not as excited about the possibilities of our working together as I am. But I need this. So I will continue to apply until I am given a fair shot.

It is with great interest that I write to you (again) in regards to the position of space captain on the Mars One vessel. I know what you’re thinking: “That position does not exist.” I understand that, and I certainly trust your judgment. That being said, your judgment is dead wrong and you are stupid. The Mars One vessel, like all vessels, needs a captain. Someone who can sit in a big chair and wear an adult onesie and speak almost entirely in metaphors.

Why me? Because I’m passionate, and I care about science. Off the top of my head, some of my favorite science: cloning, tides, one a day vitacraves, the roomba. The list goes on and on.

Aside from my love of science, I believe my resume and reference letters prove me more than worthy for this position. Have the experience and skills portions been stretched, or — as some would say — entirely fabricated? Possibly. But if you’re such sticklers for integrity, maybe I don’t want to work for you. Sure, I might not be as proficient in WordPress as I’ve made myself out to be. And perhaps I wasn’t technically a “Three-term United States senator” or “the starting quarterback for the Buffalo Bills”. And maybe my reference letters from Buzz Aldrin and Hernán Cortés are “filled with punctuation errors and historical inaccuracies,” but does that alone ruin my chances of fulfilling my destiny?

Now, if I really want this — which I do — I have to be completely honest. There are a lot of things on the application requirement list that I do not satisfy whatsoever. You’ve already mentioned your suspicions about this fact in your cease and desist letters, and I should have just come clean. I feel like it’s best to just get some of these out of the way now, and then hopefully you’ll appreciate my honesty and we can get to the discussion of vacation days.

THINGS TO CONSIDER

I have no plans to stop at or land on Mars
I don’t do well in small spaces
I’m a terrible problem solver
Teachers have referred to my ability to work in groups as “concerningly bad”
I forget all the math and science I learned in high school
I get frequent, daylong nosebleeds
I don’t believe in evolution or monkeys
I have 11 different paid horoscope apps on my HTC Evo
I would not consider myself to be a “clean” person
I would not consider myself to be a “friendly” person
I would not consider myself to be an “ideal” candidate for this position
I belong to four militias

If any of those present a problem, please reconsider. Instead of looking at them as “cons” or “red flags” or “examples of psychopathic tendencies”, think of them more as “a list of arbitrary things that are written in my cover letter”. You really need to get to know me in person to understand where I’m coming from and why I’m perfect for this job that does not exist.

I really do look forward to our interview, and if you could just be prepared to answer a few of these questions for me, it’d go a long way to making this a smooth transition into my space captainship.

1. How do rockets fly?
2. Where does space end?
3. How much do you make in a year?
4. What if I go through a black hole? Will I travel through time? What do I do if I travel through time?