A Concise List Of Ways To Stop Being So Ugly

As an Internet personality with upwards of 1,400 followers on Instagram (please hold your applause), I am often asked a myriad of questions by my adoring fans. “Would you ever come to my ferret’s birthday party?” No. I don’t even want to go to my own birthday party, let alone your ferret’s. “Will you give me a shout-out in your Insta stories?” Absolutely not, but if you pass by me on the street and make eye contact, I’ll shout directly into your face. “How can I be more beautiful like you?” That, I will answer. As someone who is practically perfect in every way (I’m a distant cousin of Mary Poppins, but I use a Dirt Devil to travel), I feel it’s my duty to share my vast knowledge in hopes you can glean even a modicum of what I have for yourself.

EAT YOURSELF WELL! Diet is obviously so important. I begin each day with a balanced breakfast of two bowls of Special K, three pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, five peanut butter M&Ms and, like, three pieces of licorice. Yes, that’s exactly what made Cher Horowitz feel like a heifer in Clueless, but have you seen Alicia Silverstone? She’s like 57 and looks 3.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL! You don’t have to go crazy. You don’t have to lose weight. But, just like…do something. I tend to walk when I need to move about, versus driving or being pulled around in a wagon. I also like to dance in front of mirrors. Any mirror will do, really. It’s preferable if said mirror is in your home, but in a pinch the ones in a Target dressing room will work, too.

SKIN IS IN! Skin care is essential. Every morning I cover myself head-to-toe in Elmer’s glue and then sit in a walk-in freezer for approximately 43 minutes. After that, I get into a scalding bath of Ovaltine, milk thistle, and rose water, and pummel myself about the ears, nose, and throat with the bark of an elderly oak tree. Once I’ve gotten out of the tub and dried off, I then apply 17 thin layers of a moisturizer made from the bee venom of aborted bee fetuses (or beetuses) to my entire person.

NAILED IT! Make sure you keep your nails – on both fingers & toes – manicured and clean. If you ever think, “Gosh, my nails look awful, but I’m sure no one will notice”, please know that we will all notice, and then we will all talk about how you shouldn’t be wearing flip flops when you look like you’ve been trying to climb your way out of cesspit.

WATCH YOUR MOUTH! You should brush your teeth and floss after every meal. Or at least two of them. Oral hygiene is so important, and no one wants to talk to you if your breath smells like a hamster cage or the color of your teeth resembles the wood paneling in your Nana’s den.

DRESS YOUR PART! Wear clothing that makes you feel comfortable, but dress for your body type. If you’re a teeny tiny varicose vein-sized person, don’t wear over-sized, baggy clothing. Likewise, if you’re a little on the heavy side and have to be moved about in a crane, hot pants are probably not for you. Do you feel your absolute best in a denim skort and crocs? Well, you’re ill, and I really can’t do anything for you.

SEXUAL FEELING! Sex gives you a natural glow, so get it on! Now, I don’t know whether that radiance comes from the actual act of coitus or just bad aim, but a glow is a glow! You aren’t seeing anyone? Take a chance; get on an app! You don’t like meeting people on apps? Well, go ahead and give yourself a hand, since it’s probably the only thing you’ll be having sex with (and that’s OK)!

SLEEP IT OFF! I cannot stress enough the importance of sleep. It helps repair tissue, it relaxes muscles, and it refreshes you! I suggest getting anywhere between 8 to 18 hours of sleep per day, like me. Some say my sleeping habits, at times, present one of the symptoms of depression, but let me tell you: I look amazing.

I HAVE CONFIDENCE! It’s like Demi Lovato’s song says: “…something something CONFIDENT!” Your mother never said you were good enough? What does she know? Put the old bag in a home and hold your head up high! No, higher! You are fabulous, and you deserve to have the confidence to be confident! Always remember that you are the only you you can be, so don’t try to be someone else because who the hell are they? Not you, that’s for damn sure.

Well, I hope you’ve found my tips useful, but please remember the most important beauty tip of them all – that true beauty comes from within.

But also remember that you can’t take a picture of within on your iPhone and post it to all forms of social media, so at least try to be presentable, OK?