Mat Devine

Were David Bowie himself to crap on the sidewalk, you’d hesitate. Yet you’ll hungrily leap to scrape up the feces of a sub-order mongrel twice a day? Where is your pride?

We’ve all tasted the sap dripping from maple trees on school field trips, and savored the icicles hanging from our windowsills in the winter. Stay with me through this, but… have you ever licked a pew?

You’re not like the other girls. In your circle of friends and Instagram devotees, you’re admired for your independent spirit and penchant for #highfashion.

An odd feeling, to find oneself alone in a complete stranger’s secret masturbation shrine.

15. If not for your nearly perfect body, I would’ve ended this charade months ago.

I instantly liked this one I saw in Toronto. You needn’t even be literate to understand that “In Case of Fire”, you should panic and run like hell. Like most people, I tend to linger in infernos. So it was quite helpful.

When someone’s anecdote begins, “It was so ironic…,” I wince; because what follows is almost never “ironic,” but instead more accurately categorized as “vaguely remarkable” or at best, “coincidental.”

Not only was this was my most dignified and regal yack location to date, but it was the beginning of a legacy. In the coming decades I’d be leaving my guts in some truly idyllic settings.

I mean, how many baller career paths does a teenage Yugolia truly have?

I’ve been lucky to connect with innovators and philanthropists from all corners of the globe. Recently one of those very good friends invited me to perform a private acoustic show in her family’s palace. Three weeks later and with zero hesitation, I boarded a plane to Saudi Arabia.

What would you do with a billion dollars? I’d have my dentist give me Jon Bon Jovi’s veneers. The exact ones. Taken out of his mouth and put into mine.

The wine store doesn’t open til 11AM in this city!? Mouth-breathing philistines!!

Last week, Dakota and I met with Father on his boat in Nantucket. The moment dinner was served he started rambling on about how we need to “put down the hash pipe,” “get our hands dirty” and learn first-hand the “honor” and “credibility” we could gain by truly “struggling” as artists.

I don’t know The Hills from The Hills Have Eyes, nor if Jennifer Aniston is ovulating. I’m told there’s a girl on Glee in a wheelchair and that “The Situation” is an orange person, but that’s about it.

The candle that burns twice as bright burns twice as crazy.