Mat Devine

Let’s watch people get hurt and learn German at the same time!

Not all words were created equal.

I love when you and other young models post inspirational quotes on Instagram.

I love Valentine’s Day. It’s so monumentally important. I met a tourist last week. I think he was from Canada or Asia or somewhere… and he asked me, like, what it was all about.

Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, like a plague, and technically you are my boyfriend I guess… I mean… whatever.

I’m pretty douchey— but not douchey enough to consider myself a rock star. But that’s somehow convenient because in my experience, most girls wouldn’t want to date one anyway.

Were David Bowie himself to crap on the sidewalk, you’d hesitate. Yet you’ll hungrily leap to scrape up the feces of a sub-order mongrel twice a day? Where is your pride?

We’ve all tasted the sap dripping from maple trees on school field trips, and savored the icicles hanging from our windowsills in the winter. Stay with me through this, but… have you ever licked a pew?

You’re not like the other girls. In your circle of friends and Instagram devotees, you’re admired for your independent spirit and penchant for #highfashion.

An odd feeling, to find oneself alone in a complete stranger’s secret masturbation shrine.

15. If not for your nearly perfect body, I would’ve ended this charade months ago.

I instantly liked this one I saw in Toronto. You needn’t even be literate to understand that “In Case of Fire”, you should panic and run like hell. Like most people, I tend to linger in infernos. So it was quite helpful.