17 Edgy Baby Names

I mean, how many baller career paths does a teenage Yugolia truly have?

Updated 12 years ago, January 10, 2013

Can the name you give your child affect their destiny? I can answer that with another question. How many prom queens do you know named Ruth? Come on.

One dull afternoon on tour I found myself trespassing in a sad mining town just outside of Pittsburg, PA. Boarded-up bankrupt churches were as ubiquitous as liquor stores, but one in particular stood out. It was meaner than the rest, and it listed off-balance on top of the town’s tallest hill (landfill?). As the sun set a deeper violet in the smog I scaled the overgrown driveway, ducking the skinny fingers of Tim Burton tree branches and kicking flattened McDonalds cups. Flanking the rectory I hopped a rusted tetanus fence and landed in an enclosed private cemetery for nuns.

The gravestones were faded and the plots forgotten, but when I knelt closer it was obvious why: all the names on them sucked.

Angela Wank, Unis Herbst, Bertrand Lefrond, Carmella Martoni, Herbert Phillipe, Rosarria Planenzer, Yulogia Rearton, Omer Keefer, Lucritia Mwen. Etc…

I wondered: Would these women still have been nuns if they had cooler names? I mean, how many baller career paths does a teenage Yugolia truly have? Maybe when a girl is dealt a name like Herbert, the vocation chooses her.

Further, if certain names are predestined to obscurity, maybe it can work the other way around!

Young Americans contend with a blitzkrieg of medieval hazards on the path to success — and the trials begin early. Every Kindergarten recess is a veritable Hunger Games for social positioning. Schoolyard assassins seize any opportunity to sling cruel arrows toward any perceived sign of vulnerability, and a weak name is fresh chum for hammerheads.

If you’re heedless enough to extend your bloodline, please don’t E-Pass your kids down the freeway of pulverized dreams. Don’t make them die in Millvale, Pennsylvania!

Ergo, I’ve compiled 17 children’s names that will grant their holders indisputable advantages in life. You need only A. Bequeath your offspring a moniker from the list, and B. stand. the fuck. back.

Girl: Stryker

Boy: Jinx

Girl: Rebel Hunter

Boy: Crush-Subject

Girl: Hoody-Weather

Boy: Performance

Girl: Jason Bourne

Boy: Pumpkin-Chai

Girl: Qasper

Boy: Shark-Tower

Girl: (The Break of) Dawn

Boy: Bloodsport