20 Text Messages I Will Never Erase

I think I’m the only one in the first world that still owns an Android. I knew it was a fool move at the time, but I was hypnotized by a smooth talking latino salesmen. Now I’m looking at flights to Arizona because I plan to throw it into the Grand Canyon. It’s the only way to find closure for the suffering this thing has caused me.

Before I depart, though, I have to backup old photos, contacts, etc… to transfer to my new device. As agonizing as this process can be, it’s a good opportunity to take personal inventory; to reflect on the past 2 years and realize how entertaining my time here in NYC has been.

I’m enjoying aggressively discarding most data on the “phone”, like a battered old snake molting one more layer, but there are some texts that I REFUSE to delete:

1. Do you want to get celebratory drink? Just wrote a hit song called “Fuck Me On Your Car”

2. Where are you? Walking by the NJ transit station. Wish I had a get-out-of-rape-free card.

3. Hit me up later. I’ll either be in jail or at the museum.

4. I WISH I was on a shoestring budget… I’m on, like, a tampon string budget.

5. Your retard cat just ate my drapes.

6. Are you that desperate for sex? Put some ice on your crotch and wait for the necrophilacs to come for it.

7. If I were a vegetable I’d be a gourd. No one wants a fucking gourd.

8. It was a great trip, but as it turns out NOTHING is scarier than a hairless bear.

9. Where are you? “Security” aren’t letting me leave the “bank lobby”.

10. The wine store doesn’t open til 11AM in this city!? Mouth-breathing philistines!!

11. Don’t you wish we could just retire somewhere you can drink wine, I could shoot guns and feed giant carrots to horses all day?

12. That’s what I call high fructose bullshit syrup.

13. Everyone thinks they know experimental danish psychedelic puppet theatre, but they really don’t.

14. Some people need to learn the difference between ‘self-belief’ and ‘rampant egotism’. Did you hear Kanye’s new single?

15. I love wine. They don’t have a word for this, but I drink it ALL the time, and when I don’t have it, I start shaking and fainting.

16. I haven’t had a boner in weeks. Not even self-inflicted.

17. Thanks for not coming out. You’re a Clear and Present Failure.

18. Next time I go on a first date when she says,”what do u do” I’m gonna say, “I fight crime, but I’m not a cop or anything.”

19. I just shit and it smelled exactly like dog shit.

20. Sorry I didn’t call you back, my prostate was “milked” by my doctor and it got REALLY emotional for me right after.