Mary McMahon

When you have finally moved past the worst parts of a breakup, you start to get an idea in your head about what it would be like to accidentally run into that person again.

The food is good and the food is free. Want a pudding cup? Go in the cabinet. Feel like Chinese food tonight? Suggest it for dinner. Need to do some shopping at Whole Foods? Too late! Mom and Dad already went there and stocked the fridge with organic coconut water. Sit back, relax, and keep your paycheck safely in your checking account where it belongs.

You will often wonder what life would be like without them, but you won’t dive too far into what that would feel like because it tears you out of your comfort zone.

Last weekend, I walked into a bar with a bunch of my friends. I was at my lowest weight since last year, hair and makeup on fleek – I felt hot. But then this guy took one look at me and said to his friend, “We should go.”

They are fantastic, beautiful, successful, funny, what have you. But they aren’t doing it for you. There is still that “but” that is keeping you from sealing the deal.

When you say “maybe” to a Facebook event. Like, we all know that’s just a soft “no.” You non-committal bastard.

There is only one other person I want to be involved in my dating life besides me: the person that I am dating.

The thing was, it was forever life changing…just not in the way that you would have ever wanted.

The look you give to someone who coughs or sneezes in your direction could literally murder a whole village of newborn penguins.

Should you do it? Yes, you should.

“Dumping” a friend can be just as bad, if not worse, than dumping a significant other.

How dare you be kind enough to give, but smart enough to recognize when it has not been reciprocated?

Another day, another month, another year goes by and you are stagnant in a relationship that you are completely unsure about.

“Lose my number” used to be a thing. Now it’s more like: lose my number, unfriend me, stop following me on Instagram and Twitter, remove me from Snapchat, delete my email address.

You have moved on, but part of them still sticks with you and you cannot explain why you care so much.

You’re not pregnant!!! Even if you haven’t been laid in a while, it’s a relief to know that some miraculous Jesus baby conception didn’t happen.

The experience itself of being invested, excited, and anticipatory of a new relationship, only to watch the results of your efforts get reaped by another person, can make you feel like you want nothing to do with the concept of a relationship.

A funny girl will buy you a beer, steal your heart, and kiss your mother the minute she meets her.