I’m Tired Of Being The One Who Always Cares More

I’m tired of being the one – the one who always tries while you would rather stay in defeat. I am drained of telling myself I give up even though I know I’m still giving. I never stop wondering, I never stop waiting. I am tired of wishing for a miracle, but knowing that you only bring disaster.

I’m tired of answering. I am ready to speak what is on my mind. I have been ready since the day I met you. And always, I will still have something new to bring, something new to add. Yet, I still find you repeating back to me the same old things.

I’m tired of accepting you and everything that comes with you. Of embracing you whenever you feel like coming back, of forgiving you if you want to leave again and of loving all your flaws and scars instead of healing the wounds you gave me. I don’t want to keep saying “yes” and have your silence, instead of you rejecting me saying “no.”

I’m tired of saying “sorry.” I know I don’t need to because I did nothing to have to say those words. But I say them anyway. I say them all the time and you keep asking me why. I do it because I want you to forgive me for not being enough for you and knowing that I’ll never stop trying.

I say “sorry” because I want you to tell me that it is not my fault, that it was never my fault and that it is you, that it has always been you. I’m tired of apologizing for you. And I’m tired of you letting me.

I’m tired of believing. I look too much into fate; I stay up at night reading the stars because it is much easier to understand what the stars are telling me than the words that come from you.

I’m tired of being told that love exists and that it will happen when I least expect it. But I don’t think I will ever stop expecting it. I don’t think I can ever stop turning corners and hoping love will be on the other side. I’m tired of taking the same path only to be lead nowhere.

I’m sick of letting go. I’m sick of falling without anyone to catch me and moving on when I have no idea where I am going. I’m weary of trying to find something new, someone different because they don’t pull me towards them, they keep pushing me right back to you. I’m tired of hearing “let go” and grab on to something else. But it has always been much easier to hold on to you.

I’m tired of our conversations. I’m tired of fixing my mind while you still haven’t made up yours. I’m tired of you telling me everything except for what I need to hear, of you steering me into a new direction only to realize that it was the exact same road we were on before. I’m tired of you thinking that you need to talk to me because you still never know what to say.

I’m tired of finding you in everyone. It hurts too much when I can’t feel your hand from behind land on my shoulder, when I walk home disappointed because I never saw you at the station today or yesterday. I’m sick of looking and searching and only seeing someone else who looks like you, who talks like you but never smiles like you, never looks at me like you. I’m tired of your face popping back into my mind but never being able to see it – I’m tired of your name on the tip of my tongue but never being able to say it.

I’m tired of having you in my life… when you’re not even in it.