If Nobody Would Judge Me, This Is How I Would Live

If nobody would judge me, I would talk to strangers. I wouldn’t fuss about anyone thinking I was desperate for company, in need of attention or deeply concerned with being liked. I would ask them how their day was going. I wouldn’t be embarrassed of intruding or giving them space, I mean, after all, it is such a harmless question. And often we overthink small things in life that are so simple, so easy, that we always find an excuse to make everything a challenge. I would talk to a new classmate every day even if no one tried to talk to me. There would be no eyes on me wondering why I was breaking the silence instead of being a part of it.

Tomorrow, I might write down a list of names of the people I want to forgive but not forget. I wouldn’t care what my friends thought when I reached out to my exes and even offered to be some of their friends. I wouldn’t care if the girls whispered behind my back that I was still ‘hung up’ because I know the truth is that I’m not. I stopped hating the men who broke my heart because I now realize that not all of them meant to. We once shared wonderful memories that made me who I am today. At least this way, I will finally be moving forward instead of being stuck in the past.

If nobody would judge me, I would admit that I was jealous. I was jealous of her. I was jealous of everything you had with her that I spent my lifetime wishing you may one day have with me. I would tell you that I lost a big piece of my heart when I saw you with her. That the air around me disappeared, that the walls started closing in right after you told me about her. I was jealous of how you gave her the world and took everything from me. I wouldn’t worry about how pathetic these words sound. I don’t want to live a life letting you believe you mean so little when I can’t find the words to describe how you have always meant so much.

Next week, I would forget about my plans and spend the weekend at home. I wouldn’t feel sorry for watching every old film and mouthing the words on my own. I would pick up a torn book from my shelf and return to a place where nothing I did or said mattered. I would travel back time to the moments when my nights weren’t defined by how many parties were happening. To the days when no one judged me for how often I went out on those hours I knew I was perfectly happy staying in.

The following morning, I would change my goals for the future. I would stop waiting for good things to come and start chasing despite how ridiculous I look. I would stop accepting things the way they are and start fighting no matter how much they laugh at me every time I fail. I would change the way I see the world and in turn, I would change the way the world sees me.

I wouldn’t think twice about telling you the truth. I wouldn’t waste a second making a list in my head of all the ways that this could go wrong and I would tell you straight away I have never known anyone quite like you. I would tell you the day I met you was my favorite day and how I still remember the way I felt when I first saw you. If you wouldn’t judge me, I would go on to say how cold I feel when you’re not with me and how the memory of you lays a warm blanket around my heart. If you wouldn’t judge me, I would confess a thousand times that I love you.

Today, I’ll pretend that nobody is judging me. I won’t hesitate to ask if you love me too.