Mariya Hoque

I say “sorry” because I want you to tell me that it is not my fault, that it was never my fault and that it is you, that it has always been you. I’m tired of apologizing for you. And I’m tired of you letting me.

They don’t understand how much they mean to you no matter how hard you have tried to show them. They don’t know that they each hold a piece of your heart and without them, you will always be incomplete.

You know how to stay strong for others because no one understands the feeling of being alone, weak and being terrified better than you. You can help them become the best version of themselves because you always see the best in everyone, even when they always see the worst in you.

You become more isolated than ever while continuously telling yourself that you’re okay. Better days are ahead. Yet, you’re not sure how far ahead those days are. And how long you can keep living this way for a day that may never come.

I know I would be lying if I said you don’t mean anything.

If nobody would judge me, I would admit that I was jealous. I was jealous of her. I was jealous of everything you had with her that I spent my lifetime wishing you may one day have with me.

I won’t admit I have been walking everywhere with my head down because I don’t have the strength to look up and face a world in which ‘we’ will never exist.

I don’t want a fool who needs to keep searching for something more when I had already given him everything I had. I don’t want a boy who is not “ready” because I am not someone who is okay with being put on hold so you can test out your other options.

Every time I look at myself the only thing I see is everything that you didn’t want and everything I couldn’t be.

“You are just stressed. Don’t make it an unnecessary issue.”

But until then, I refuse to believe my happiness is dependent on romantic relationships when the connections I have with life can give me so much more than what another human being can bring.

If everything you did was not good enough for them, then they are the one who is not good enough for you.