I’m Trusting Every Unknown When It Comes To You

I’ve never been good at living without a plan. I’ve always preferred to know, to feel steady, to map out the direction of my life so at least when the road took its turns and twists, I’d have somewhat of a foundation to fall back on. I’d have the semblance of a route to follow, one where I could dust myself off and begin again.

I’ve always been the kind of person who has a schedule. Who tries her best to make sense of the things around her and give her life some kind of order. Who feels better, more at ease when things are in their proper place, when dates are written on the calendar, when the next step is at least given more than a moment’s thought.

And then I met you.

From the second our eyes met, I knew you were going to change everything. You flashed me a smile under the faded lights of a rowdy bar and suddenly I wasn’t conscious of any other eyes on me, of the music blaring from the stage, of the shirt I had quickly grabbed from my closet and shrugged over my shoulders that was too big and too casual for a Saturday night out.

From the second your lips curved to the shape of my name I forgot everything else—how silly I felt in that oversized t-shirt, how flushed my face was from dancing like a fool, how close it was to closing time—I just let you take my hand and spin me.

And in that moment I had no plans.

You taught me, quickly, that you were not a man of a schedule. That you were not the kind of person who likes to think of anything other than the now. And suddenly I was right there with you, sipping on a drink in a bar, captivated by the sound of your voice. Suddenly it didn’t matter what happened next, where we would go. All that mattered was your hand in mine.

I saw you again; a day’s notice was all I needed for our first date. And the next time I saw you was planned only minutes after seeing you again, teaching me that maybe it was okay to not have plans, but to see where things led and celebrating the moments as they came.

So quickly I was falling into your patterns, learning that it was okay to not know the when, the how, the why, the future outcome. Learning that I was okay with just the present moment with you, not worrying about anything else.

You showed me that falling into someone is unplanned. And sometimes the best, most beautiful things are effortless.

And so, here we are, dancing on the edge of a road where our futures lay unpaved before us. We do not have the answers. We do not have a set plan, a schedule, a map for where we should step or what path to take. We are simply here, right now, accepting that sometimes in life you just don’t know.

And I’m trusting in those unknowns with you.

I’m taking your hand and walking by your side. I’m acknowledging that this road ahead is one that I have no control over, and I’m accepting that for what it is—an adventure, our adventure.

I’m letting each challenge come as it will. I’m not trying to think about all the little things that could go wrong, all the changes we may face. I’m not going to entertain the doubts, the fears, because I have chosen to step forward with you. And whatever happens, happens. As long as we’re together.

There is so much that we don’t know. There are shifts and struggles and celebrations ahead and I cannot account for them. I cannot know, cannot plan, cannot make sense of what hasn’t even happened.

But you’ve taught me I don’t have to.

You’ve taught me that relationships are not about perfection, but about finding security in another’s arms in a world that cannot always promise you that.

Relationships are about the unplanned, the unknown, the trusting what you cannot see because your feelings for a person are stronger than any hesitation. Because love drowns out all fear.

Because you would rather step into the unplanned future, would rather believe in something, would rather proclaim your connection than let the world steal your chance at something beautiful and real.

Because what else is our purpose on this earth than to believe in forces greater than ourselves and step forward, willingly, into someone whose light sets fire to your soul?

And so, I’m trusting every unknown with you. I’m stepping forward without a plan, without a map, with every doubt and question cast aside. I am not trying to make sense of this, to see a future of which I can’t change or control.

I am simply stepping, believing, proclaiming my feelings for you.
I am promising to myself, to you, that I’m in—wherever the road may take us.

Marisa Donnelly is a poet and author of the book, Somewhere on a Highway, available here.