To The Woman Who Is Independent And Strong, But Still Loves To Love

I want you to know you’re not alone.

Sometimes it feels like you’re the only one—the only woman in the world who flits along the line of self-reliant and dependent, tender and tough, capable and yet still longing to be loved.

There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with being the type of woman who is comfortable in her own skin, able to live her life her own way, perfectly fine making her own decisions, and yet, totally and completely interested in finding a man to stand by her side.

There’s nothing wrong with being the type of woman who’s just fine when she’s single, who doesn’t need a significant other to complete her, who doesn’t feel lost or purposeless outside of a relationship, yet still hopes to have one.

There’s nothing wrong with being independent and strong-willed, determined and self-sufficient, and yet still love to love.

Sometimes the world makes you feel like you have to choose one side or the other. If you’re going to be the independent woman, then you have to claim your singleness, right? You have to be distant and removed. You have to walk around with this ‘I don’t need a man’ attitude, and shun any woman who dares to lower herself by letting someone in.

And if you’re the opposite, then you’re the woman who has her relationship(s) as her central focus. The woman whose emotions and decisions are ruled by love. The woman who is continuously shifting and changing her life to accommodate a significant other and the dreams the two of them have together.

But neither of those sides feel right to you.

Because you are not the kind of woman who sees men as obstacles in your way. You don’t wear your independence as a badge on your chest, as an excuse to push men out of your heart. But you don’t feel like your life purpose is to be in a relationship, to fall in love, to have someone by your side all the time.

Sometimes the world makes those sides look like polar opposites, and when you’re standing there, trying to figure out where you fit, neither side feels healthy. Either you’re so alone or so wrapped up in love, and even though you know that’s not exactly how it is, you can’t seem to find yourself fitting anywhere.

But you’re not the only one who feels this way.

You’re not the only one who feels confident and proud of who she is and wants to guard that independence, yet still wants to find someone to share her life with. You’re not the only one who values the parts of herself that have grown in her singleness, yet hopes to be in a relationship with someone who allows her to bloom both together and separate.

You are an independent and strong woman who loves to love. You can stand your ground, make your own choices, live your own life, yet you enjoy dating and being connected to another person. You are your best self when you are a little of both—self-loving and outward-loving.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

You don’t have to give up parts of yourself to fall into a relationship. You don’t have to compromise your self-sufficiency, your strength, your sense of being just to let someone in. You don’t have to feel tied down by your relationships, or that you are changing who you are just to love someone.

It is possible to be the girl who’s independent, and still depend on the guy she loves. It is possible to be the woman who’s strong, and even stronger with her man by her side.

So own who you are, how you love, the way you feel. What the world doesn’t understand is truly how hard you have it. You live in a continual state of conflict. You long to be independent and powerful, but you crave the connection you can have with someone else. You want to live out your self-focused, self-driven existence, but at the same time, you want to share your world with another person.

You don’t want to appear to be too selfish or self-centered, but you don’t want to look feeble or dependent either—it’s hard to be a strong, independent woman who loves to love.

But let this be a reminder that you are not the only woman who has this tension. You are not the only one who shifts back and forth, unsure of where she fits.

So own the parts of you that flit this line. Own the parts of you that love yourself, and the parts that love to love. Own the ways you are not like either side of the world, but have made your own nook. Own the woman you are because there is nothing wrong with her; she is a perfect mix.

Marisa Donnelly is a poet and author of the book, Somewhere on a Highway, available here.