God, Please Give Me The Wisdom To Know Whether I Should Stay Or Leave

God, my mind is spinning. I have come to this place many times before, not sure whether I should fight or run, humble myself or stand tall, be there for someone or save my heart, love or let go.

I have felt this way about different positions, about jobs that didn’t seem to fill the void in my heart, but not knowing if that was a selfish way of looking at the world or you speaking to me, telling me that it was time to seek answers elsewhere. I’ve felt this in my day to day existence, a restlessness that I wrestle with, trying to make sense of why I feel so pulled in opposite directions—forever wondering if that’s the voice in my head, or you. And I’ve felt this, most of all, in my relationships. Not knowing when I’ve reached the final straw. Unsure whether you’re cautioning me to guard my own heart and walk away unscathed, or if I’m supposed to be selfless and love like you, even if I sacrifice myself in the process.

You’ve taught me to love others unconditionally; this is written in your word and it’s been pressed into my heart since I was born. You’ve blessed me with the ability to love and I want to love.

But how am I supposed to know when enough’s enough? How can I tell a person’s true emotions, and whether this relationship is worth my time and effort and attention, especially when it starts to hurt? How do I know you are here and that falling for this person is the right choice?

How are any of us supposed to know how to love imperfect people with our own imperfect hearts? And when this imperfection makes itself apparent, how will we know whether to stay or leave

In some ways, we won’t. We won’t be given the answers in the way we expect. We won’t know what we’re getting into from the start, or see the entire future mapped out in front of us. That’s the risk we take in love, isn’t it?

But that doesn’t mean you aren’t present, God. That doesn’t mean you aren’t here.

And so, I ask that you show me. Show me a sliver of your plan. Show me what you have for me. Show me my next step.

When I fall into a relationship, I see forever stretched out in front of me, both terrifying and beautiful. I see future plans, future happiness. I imagine myself intertwined with someone else, but as this life brings conflict, that image distorts, that image gets blurry. And suddenly I don’t feel so sure.

Suddenly I question whether this relationship is the one I’m supposed to be in. You’ve taught me that I deserve a love that shines like you, but the person I’ve given my heart to is only human. I can’t expect perfection. And yet, I can’t settle for a love that isn’t right, a love that hurts.

But aren’t I supposed to love unconditionally, show forgiveness, be patient and selfless and all the things you have taught me? But what about myself? Is this what you want for me?

Is staying with this person the right choice? Because I’m loving them like you love them? Because I’m giving them what they need? Because we’re fighting to stay together and to love better, and that’s what relationships are all about?

Or is there someone better out there for me? Am I hurting myself trying to love someone who isn’t in the place to love right now? Should I stay, or go?

In this moment of confusion, please let me hear you.

Please show me the ways you are guiding me, loving me, and standing beside me. Show me the ways to love like you, to be humble and selfless and forgiving and kind. Show me how to care for someone outside myself, without worrying about what’s happening to me. But also show me when I am losing myself to build someone, and when this job is too big for me to shoulder on my own.

God, put aside my selfishness and help me see what you’ve placed in front of me. Help me to see whether this person’s intentions are sincere, or whether they’re only looking out for themselves.

Help me to see beyond face value, beyond my attraction, beyond the entanglings of my heart. Show me where you are in this relationship—whether or not you’re present, and what my next step should be.

Show me that I don’t have to keep a checklist, a tally of all the rights and wrongs. Show me that I don’t need to worry whether I’m doing too much because you see all that I’m doing, and that’s what really matters. Show me how love should be, and if I’m in a place of toxicity, give me the strength to walk away.

Give my heart peace and resilience. Give me quiet moments to turn to you in prayer. Give me the wisdom to see outside what’s in front of me to the big picture, and help me determine whether the love I’m giving and receiving is on the right path.

Help me to see if this relationship is worthy, or if I’ve done all I can and must salvage the broken pieces of myself and move on.

Remind me that sometimes the most painful things are the right things, that fighting with and for someone will only strengthen me, that letting go can both hurt and heal. And if I end up broken, no matter the end result, remind me that pain isn’t a part of your plan, and that I can turn to you to bring me to my feet again.

God, give me wisdom. The wisdom to discern whether this relationship is right. The wisdom to see this person for who they are. The wisdom to know whether I’ve done enough, done too little, done things selfishly, or need to do more.

Give me the wisdom to forgive, to heal, to love, to continue, in whatever direction you point me.

Speak truth to my heart and knowledge to my mind. Show me whether I should stay or leave. And help me to be led by your word, not solely the beating of my heart.

Marisa Donnelly is a poet and author of the book, Somewhere on a Highway, available here.