God, I’m Going To Stop Questioning And Start Listening To You

I always do this crazy thing when I’m nervous: overthink. In other words, give my mind (unconscious) permission to destroy situations before they even happen. In other words, allow my days to be ruined by hypothetical thoughts that aren’t even halfway realistic. In other words, sabotage my relationships before they begin, or tell myself I’m not good enough for no reason at all other than to mess with my own head.

My mind drives me crazy sometimes.

And honestly, when I get like this, I wish I could shut all my thoughts off. I wish I could stop wondering about the next steps before I even have my shoes on. I wish I could stop imagining an ending before there’s even a beginning.

Because instead of focusing on my blessings, I’m too busy worrying if the next adventure will pan out. Instead of appreciating the people around me, I’m wondering whether this new person really cares about me, or is just playing around with my emotions. Instead of letting go and truly being happy with where I am, I’m too focused on what I should be doing next. And in all honesty, it stresses me the hell out.

That’s why I’ve decided to just stop.

To stop analyzing. To stop trying to make things happen. To stop anticipating people’s movements, or trying to synchronize my feelings to the beat of someone else’s heart.

I’ve decided to stop feeding into the pounding in my chest, the fear of the unknown, the nervousness surrounding what’s to come and just let it all happen. I’ve decided to stop questioning everything and start listening to you, God.

See, the thing is, I forget you already have a plan. I forget you already know what’s happening in my life and how the ending is going to be. I forget you’re watching over me, guiding my steps as I choose which path. I forget that even when I’m confused and freaking out, you’re listening, telling me to just close my eyes and trust.

I forget that as your daughter, that’s all I have to do—lean in and let go.

I spend so much time fighting you. I spend so much time trying to write my own endings, trying to make sense of what hasn’t been answered, trying to figure it all out without your love, as if I’m completely fine on my own. But I’m not. Because I’m quickly in over my head, hands flailing, unsure of where to go or what to believe.

I’m so quickly running through the what-ifs, analyzing the potential outcomes, stressing over the maybes that I forget to enjoy where I am. That I forget you’re here with me, getting me through each moment. And I don’t have to fear.

There’s no reason for doubt to cloud my mind because you’re not leaving my side.

Even when it feels like I’m alone and clueless, unsure of what job to take, what person to chase, what dream to believe in, you’re nudging me, you’re encouraging me, you’re strengthening me.

And I need to quiet my crazy mind and listen.

So I’ve decided to do just that—let go of all my stresses, let go of the anxiety bubbling around in my mind, let go of all the unknowns and trust that you’ll make them known to me in time.

I’m giving up my false sense of security, my stubbornness in wanting to always know and to be right. I’m letting you be the one who takes away my worries and carves me a path to follow.

Because I know when I listen and walk in your way, I’ll be just fine.

So I’m done worrying over what I can’t control, over relationships that aren’t fully evolved, over plans that aren’t perfectly laid out. I’m done getting stressed over hypothetical conversations in my mind, or future plans I cannot direct, shape, or bend to my wishes.

I’m closing my eyes, I’m sending you a prayer, I’m trusting that you’re here watching over me, and I don’t need to be caught in a web of nervousness anymore. I’m going to quiet my mind and leave room for your thoughts to flood over me.

I’m going to stop questioning and start listening to you.

Marisa Donnelly is a poet and author of the book, Somewhere on a Highway, available here.