Self-Love Comes In Waves
And for the first time since a time you couldn’t remember You didn’t wish you were something else
By Mariam Zaher
When you were 12, you wanted to be a mermaid
Mermaids were pretty
Mermaids were faultless
The closest you got was one summer when you stayed in the ocean for 7 hours
You wanted to understand what it felt like
You stayed till your toes got wrinkly and your stomach got too hungry
That night, as you slept, you heard the ocean move in your bloodstream
And you felt the waves crash into your heart and back
But you woke up in your bed covered in pink sheets
When you were 18, you had stopped wanting to be a mermaid
It would never happen
But you wanted to be an ocean instead
The ocean was big and blue
Stronger and deeper and never fully understood
You would come to the shore so often, your skin smelled of salt
You would lay on the sand with seashells in the pocket of your hoodie
You collected seashells and put them in a jar
Made them a home on a desk back in your bedroom
You would lay at the shore and close your eyes
Feel the tiny grains of sand against the skin of your fingers; so insignificant
You would listen
To the ocean moving and the waves crashing
The big blue ocean told no lies
So you listened
The big blue ocean spoke only in truth
So you started asking it questions
Why are the seashells you collect sometimes broken?
Why could you never be a mermaid and does that meant that big blue ocean would never be home?
You asked it when it could take you in instead of leaving you here begging its every crashing wave to love you
Why don’t you love me?
But instead of answers you got secrets
So you kept coming back till you could find an answer in its secrets
You look away and you’re 21 now
Standing at the same shore
Looking at a different ocean with different grains of sand against the skin of your toes
Different broken seashells inside the pocket of your hoodie
Or are they all the same?
You listen to the waves crash but this time you’re the one loving them
They never stopped telling you secrets
Never lied
And for the first time since a time you couldn’t remember
You didn’t wish you were something else
You didn’t wish for a different set of thoughts or a different set of memories
You didn’t long for something you weren’t
You didn’t need to belong
You didn’t ache to be loved
And this time, without asking, you understood
You understood why some seashells are broken and that they too can be whole
You understood how they are beautiful too despite you seeing them, despite you picking them up and putting them in your pocket, making them a home
You understood why when you were younger the waves crashed inside your vessels and why you’re standing out here and not in there
You understood that the ocean loves you regardless of what you breathe
And you, like the ocean, have always loved you too